For both my “circumstances” abortion was what was told to me to do. Like when one gets sick they say take cold medicine. I was 21 and had been raped, even still I wanted to keep my baby…too much pressure so I caved in. I had to travel to another state, there were people with signs and shouting, “baby killer”! I was terrified but the staff said not to pay attention to them. I was told it was just a procedure, and I would be out in no time in my life. Will go back to normal. what is normal? I felt confused and afraid everything was so cold there. Finally, they told me to just be quiet and to be still. I can still remember the sounds of the machine. I can remember the lady holding me down. I can remember the pain and the blood and feeling so afraid I remember feeling so empty afterwards and even still today.
That very night I was so sick. It wasn’t soon after that. I began drinking and partying. It just became worse. I needed alcohol first thing and then I woke up to numb my feelings and make me forget. My life began to crumble more than what it had already. I’ve never been the same. I’ve lived in fear for over 27 years. I have been afraid of being chastised just like I was immediately after having my first abortion. They tell you that having an abortion is just removing non-viable tissue that it’s just a procedure, but nobody told me that my body would forever remember what I’ve done that I would be consumed by guilt and regret, even though I was pro-choice, even though I was so adamant about it’s my body my choice.
I was too young and too afraid to make such a decision. Nobody tried to stop me. It was when someone was sharing her testimony with me from church that I was afraid she knew my story. I asked her how did she find out, who told her? That’s when she asked me had I had an abortion? It was then that she shared with me about forgiven and set free and so began my healing journey. It wasn’t until after going through a second Bible Study called surrendering the secret that I truly begin to feel the love of Christ Jesus and his redeeming forgiveness all these years that I became a Christian I always felt afraid that if somebody knew I really would not be forgiven.
I finally told my husband what I had done, and he cried and held me and told me I was loved and forgiven that Christ even forgave that sin that he died from my babies and for me. To receive that grace and that forgiveness, I cannot be silent anymore. I am finally free from shame and regret and that is why I am silent no more.