I am speaking to you today because I chose abortion twice in my life and I have lived to regret those decisions.
My abortions did not resolve any of the fears I had in being pregnant but the reality was I changed one set of problems for another that could never be changed. I chose the death of my children as a life solution.
I decided to have my abortions because of shame, fear, ignorance and panic…………….not a sensible basis to make any life changing decision. No human being, especially a woman, can make such a choice without nature hitting back.
I was 27yrs old, in a relationship with a married colleague, when I became pregnant. I believed, when I told him I was pregnant he would support me, but this was not the case and without his support I felt abandoned and unsure of how I would cope.
Before making my decision I kept looking outside of myself for the solution to what was now a problem not a baby and the denial was re-enforced by the lack of information when I went to the British pregnancy advisory service for counseling. I wanted someone to take the fear and panic away, someone to make it better for me. This sounds very childlike but this is the reality of the vulnerability of how I felt in the crisis pregnancy. At the clinic I was asked two questions, this was the extent of my counseling.
Did I think I could cope?..................................no
Was I in a supported situation?..........................no
I asked………….is it a baby yet?..............................no
We can help you get your life back. It is a simple operation and you can get back to normal.
This was my get out clause……………………if it wasn’t a baby yet (10 weeks gestation) no-one need ever know and I could keep it a secret. Not much was explained about the procedure or the future risks either physical or emotional. I was so relieved to have come to a decision and I believed what they said…………………………….my life would get back to normal.
For the next 9 years I lived with the denial of ‘it wasn’t a baby’ as my protection from emotional pain….but the unresolved issues surrounding the abortion surfaced in a destructive life style. For many years I was searching for something but didn’t know what that was??????
I became anorexic, promiscuous and relationships with men to this day have been spoiled by lack of trust. None of this to my mind had anything to do with my abortion.
If the damage from one abortion is unhealed it is more than likely a second pregnancy will occur. I was classic to the research. Instinctively I wanted my baby back…even though I was unaware of this internal drive.
In another relationship where I stepped over my boundary of protection I became pregnant. I was 37..the fear, shame and panic were more intensive than at 26 and I couldn’t believe history was repeating itself…but if I went early enough…… it wouldn’t be a baby…i went back to the same clinic, went through exactly the same procedure with almost word for word information.
Amen. ……..life is stranger than fiction and what the abortionists and I didn’t know was I was pregnant with twins. I again went through a surgical termination. At the time it seemed successful but in reality I was still pregnant with the surviving twin. When this was discovered they offered me a further abortion but the horror of my first abortion surfaced when I had a scan to verify what was in my womb. A baby!!!! My denial was broken and as I realized what I had done I knew I couldn’t have another abortion and my baby would live. I gave birth to a healthy daughter 4 months later. Pamela is a gorgeous 22yr old student at Glasgow school of art.
Having Pamela was the beginning of my healing journey, the realization of being part of the decision to destroy two other children has affected my life, my emotions and spiritually, where do you go with the guilt of abortion??????.
I could only take this to god and the day I found out I was still pregnant I asked his forgiveness. From that day as well as recognizing I was a mother I began another journey in healing. I grieved the two sons I aborted, I have looked at the destructive patterns established in my life so that I would never again repeat choosing death as a solution to my problems. The healing I have received and the knowledge and understanding of abortion and its effects have led me into training as a post abortion/crisis pregnancy counselor.
Women need to know that abortion is not the only answer to their crisis pregnancy. They and their babies deserve better. Experience is a stronger voice than theory and that is why I am speaking today, and why I cannot remain silent.