It was 1980. I was 21 years old and a newly commissioned second lieutenant in the U.S. Army. I had my life ahead of me and my military career ahead of me. Shortly after I reach my new duty station in Arizona, I realized I was pregnant. The father was another lieutenant I had met while I was at Fort Benning, Georgia. We had gone our separate ways and I had no idea how or where to reach him. He never knew. I was alone, pregnant, and scared. The decision I made would change my life forever. With the help of another soldier, I went to Tucson to get an abortion.
I was numb when I walked into that clinic. I had no idea what was going to happen. The doctor and nurse tried to explain the procedure, but I was in such a state of confusion that I did not hear a word they said. I was awake during the abortion. The pain and pressure were agonizing. When it was over, I went back to the hotel and curled up into a fetal position and wept. Things would never be the same. I knew what I had done was wrong. However, I tried to justify my actions. “My friends and family would hate me if they knew I was pregnant.” “I’m starting a new career and a baby does not fit into those plans.” Then I shoved it deep down inside of me, as deep as I could. I guarded my secret with a firm grip.
Shortly after the abortion, met and married another Army officer. However, instead of making a career out of the military, I resigned my commission once the four year commitment was over. I had lost all self-esteem and any desire to excel at my job. My mission as a soldier, officer, and leader was severely affected in a negative way. I suffered from bout of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, lack of self esteem and a deep sense of loss and sadness. I was afraid to let anyone get too close to me for fear that they might find out about my secret.
My husband and I eventually had three children. I became a Supermom, a perfectionist, an over-protective parent and a constant worrier. Subconsciously, I was trying to gain control of something I had lost control of when I had my abortion. I was trying to redeem myself for something only Christ could redeem me from. On the outside it looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was empty, dying, and in pain. I had no relationship with God because I thought there was no forgiveness for what I had done.
Twenty years later I hit a wall. The pain and grief were no longer tolerable. I could no longer push the pain away. I could no longer bear my separation from God. Through prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit I was led to a ministry in Atlanta called PATH (Post Abortion Treatment and Healing). In 2000, I attended the “Forgiven and Set Free” Bible Study and in 2001 the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. There are no words to describe the healing I received. I have been a Bible study facilitator and a retreat team member ever since. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of post-abortion healing. Perhaps the largest and most effective pro-life movement is now being built by those who have personally been affected by abortion and are no longer willing to be silent about its devastating effects.
We will be Silent no More about the physical deaths of the innocent unborn and the spiritual and emotional deaths of their parents. The choice once made is a choice that cannot be reversed. However, the effects of that choice can be changed. What you do with your past experience can affect the lives of so many others in the future.