Kathleen
Breaking the silence is the very reason that I agreed to write my story. So much of our society supports “a woman’s right to chose” but there is little or no support available for women after they have an abortion. If so many people believe that abortion should be a viable option than why is it so shameful to publicly admit to having had one? It is because the act of abortion is shameful. Isn’t it ironic that it was a Catholic Woman who developed a program to help women to heal from the pain and guilt of having had an abortion instead of the people who fought to make it legal.
I am the proverbial prodigal child who went off, wasted my talent and gave myself away too easily. I was about 28 years old and seeing a man in a very casual relationship. I was working and having fun as much as possible drinking, dancing and giving myself away. It was the time of the sexual revolution when morality and values gave way to “if it feels good, do it”. I intuitively knew the moment I got pregnant and hoped I was wrong. As soon as I missed my period I took the pregnancy test and confirmed that I was pregnant.
There was never any doubt in my mind what I would do. I did not tell the father. I didn’t expect or want him to be involved in the decision and I knew he would back as far away as possible. I only told one other person the one who I asked to drive me home. I called the clinic in Boston and made an appointment. I remember fighting it out with God and my conscience. “I will not have this child,” I cried, “I know that this decision will affect me in eternity and I will just have to deal with it.” I was so arrogant. Then I made myself promise not to ever look back, no tears, no melancholy at birthdays, no wondering what if, and no time to consider the life in me. That little life made itself known almost immediately with morning sickness but I pressed on taking the first appointment available. I never discussed the pros and cons with anyone and I fulfilled the parameters of the decision. I moved on and never looked back.
Although I moved forward, I also cut my tie to the Lord that day. I had been raised a Catholic and wandered away from the Church once I went to college. Interestingly enough my falling away from the church coincided with my becoming sexually active. In 1982, I lived down the street from a Catholic Church and I would often attend Holy Mass and communion but, after the abortion I stopped going to church. I was convinced that God could never forgive me. I threw myself into my work and promptly became a workaholic. I missed so much in that time - family, friends, and relationships with men. I stayed as far from human emotional contact as possible.
I married in 1986, after a whirlwind courtship and woke up married to a man that I hardly knew. We split up seven years later and I have been single ever since. I have been a compulsive eater for years. I have been successful from a business standpoint and mid life I went back to school and earned a Master’s Degree finishing with a perfect 4.0. I have had some really great jobs and traveled more than most people.
I am blessed in so many ways. But especially in 2002, I had just finished my Masters work and I was living at home with my Mother who attended Holy Mass daily. She would be coming home from church and I would just be getting out of bed, so I decided it wouldn’t kill me to get up and go to Mass with her. At least I would be up and dressed…that arrogance trips me up all the time, but thank heavens the Lord uses it to bring me closer to Him. Once you open the door to the Holy Spirit, it leads you to redemption. That was the beginning of my conversion and the end to running from God and my child. I registered for the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat and the healing began. Even in registering for the retreat I displayed my arrogance. I assured the woman who helped me register I didn’t need the retreat, but I was willing to try to help other woman heal. Initially, I was amazed by the pain and regret that the women in the session were experiencing. I thought why can’t they face the fact that they can’t do anything about the past. Why can’t they just move on?
Midway through the weekend, I came face to face with all my unexpressed pain, sorrow and feeling of abandonment that I had carried with me all these years that I didn’t know I carrying. All at once, I realized how it had affected me in every moment of my life. It was a huge relief to acknowledge the abortion, but at the same time I had opened the door to a hoard of pain and shame. Thankfully, I fell into the open arms of a loving and well trained Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat team.
It is so amazing how the Spirit uses scripture to speak to our hearts and our minds. How valuable and relevant these words written so long ago are today. The Lord created us “he knew us before he formed us in the womb and he set us apart for his holy purposes.” He knew exactly what I would do and how I would use my free will to fall away from him. But Jesus came to the earth to save the sinners, like me. Only He can use my sin and arrogance to help eliminate abortion once and for all.
Julie
I fully and completely regret my abortions. I had four abortions because I was so far from God and feeling so alone in the world. I lacked courage and I was only selfishly thinking about myself and what would happen to me and not what would happen to my babies. I even ignored the undeniable fact that what I carried inside me was yet a baby. My first abortion was when I was 17 and on my way to college. I felt that I wasn’t mature enough to be a mom and I had a whole life ahead of me (something that the abortion clinic workers and others around me were telling me as I was also telling myself. ) I don’t remember anything of the first three abortions except that I was scared going in and relieved coming out. My problem was gone, or so I thought. I didn’t know that I would suffer tremendous grief and sorrow once I realized the horror of what I had done. I remember the last abortion in detail and remember the indifference of the workers and the darkness that prevailed over the atmosphere. I remember the pain and the loneliness. As time went on, I sunk deeper into self punishment and despair using alcohol and promiscuity to try to relieve my pain.
Awareness came to me when I had married and had my first prenatal visit and heard my daughter’s heartbeat for the first time. I was elated and horrified at the same time. I was so excited to hear the beautiful rhythm of the heartbeat of another human being protected inside my womb and the absolute nightmare of the realization that I had paid to have other human beings lives violently ripped from my womb and their lives snuffed out. I wanted to search for healing but I didn’t know where I should go. Then someone gave me a rosary. I gave my life over and prayed from my whole heart to our heavenly mother begging for help even though I felt so unworthy of her help. I had avoided her up till then because she was the perfect mother and I was the worst. She brought me to her son Jesus who brought me out of the depths of hell and into the light of forgiveness. I am eternally grateful. They brought me to Rachel’s Vineyard where I could receive healing, forgive myself and honor my children. I continue to heal and receive blessings as a Rachel’s team member and can share in the sufferings that turn into graces for other men and women. I found love and forgiveness first and foremost through reconciliation with God, my church community, my husband and children who loved me even when they found out the horrible things I had done. I am loved by God and I will be silent no more for myself, my children, my family, my community and the glory of God.
Hannah
Over twenty seven years ago I made what would be the most grievous of many terrible and life altering decisions. I had already been making sinful choices before this but this decision changed me in a much more permanent way.
I had distanced myself from God over the years.
The early years of my childhood were spiritually confusing at best. I was sent to Church and I received the initial sacraments yet I did not understand the grace given through them.
On the worst days of my childhood I suffered from physical and sexual abuse. I did not realize the great love of God.
When I was eighteen and had been with my boyfriend for several months. I became pregnant. I was scared and overwhelmed by fear. He said “We’ll do whatever you decide”.
The day I had an abortion was the day we drove down to college.
We went to Planned Parenthood.
The place was cold and unfriendly. Behind the masks of smiles and lulling words; ”right this way”, ”it will all be over soon “, “it’s like having a bad period”, the voice within me was being cut off from reality… evermore sedated by fear… I pretended that doing this must be fine because it’s legal. I was ashamed. Then… I heard the worst noise I will ever hear. It was the sound of suction from a machine. The recovery room was filled with crying women.
I attempted suicide within a few months of being at college.
I began drinking heavily and barely attended classes. I became more promiscuous and self -loathing.. I was so sad but rather than turning to God for forgiveness and mercy. I fell deeper into despair.
I told myself God hated me. Within this horrific cycle of drinking and sexual sin I had two more abortions. I was numb for years. It was just when I thought everything was entirely lost including me that God reached into my broken heart and gave me new life. I confessed my sins and came back to the Church. I began to experience healing.
A few months after my youngest daughter was born I felt compelled to speak out about abortion and the devastation it causes. I wanted to be silent no more. But I needed more help and healing. I came across CareNet on the internet. Through this scripturally based program at Carenet and the loving witness of these women, the silence began to break.
A few years later I met a dear friend who began to share her healing experience. She encouraged me to go on a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I was afraid. I felt I would have to tell my five children. By His Love and without a doubt because of Our Lady’s Grace, my children were not hindered in their forgiveness of me.
I experienced the greatest hope and healing as I memorialized my children by name…on the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, I entrusted each one to the Sacred Heart of Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
I know that life on Earth is continual healing in Christ Jesus who loves us. Without this healing I would not be able to carry on another day. This is why I am so grateful to be silent no more. Praise God for his Mercy endures forever.