November 27th, 1979 was the day of my abortion. I was just 16 years old and I was terrified! A panel of doctors called a "therapeutic abortion committee" had convinced my parents that an abortion was the right choice.
It’s been 31 years and I still have repressed memories, memories too painful to bear, so they’ve been pushed down into the unconsciousness.
I remember the night I told my Mom I was pregnant and my next memory is the day of the abortion. As I lay on a stretcher in the hall of the hospital, I could hear the nurses talking about me. I felt helpless, afraid, confused and alone.
The abortion was performed under a general anesthetic and when I came to I was back in my room. Still in a fog from the anesthetic, I heard the nurse say, "it's all over." I remember feeling a profound sense of loss and sadness. I was comforted by the presence of my Dad and at the same time I was heartbroken that my Mom wasn't there.
We went home that evening and I was sworn to secrecy by my parents. I buried my secret deep down inside, where it would stay locked up for the next nine years. It was hard work to keep the secret from resurfacing and to numb the pain.
I found solace in alcohol, drugs and sex, but it was always a temporary fix. It was a constant battle, attempting to cover up the immense pain I was feeling.
I married at 25 and my husband and I decided to start a family right away, however we encountered many difficulties. I miscarried four times in the first few years of our marriage and I believe the miscarriages were a result of having the abortion. At first I thought I was being punished by God, but eventually I came to the awareness that God is not a punishing God, but a merciful and forgiving God. After much perseverance and faith, I am happy to tell you that my husband and I are the proud parents of four beautiful children.
I have suffered bouts of depression for the past 31 years and have had trouble with relationships, especially the relationship between my Mom and I. For 28 years after the abortion, I longed to talk with my Mom about our secret but I was forbidden. The few times I attempted to bring up the subject, I was told to "leave the past in the past." I longed to hear her say she loved me, regardless of what had happened.
I never did hear her say those words and there won’t be an opportunity, as she passed away from lung cancer on November 17th, 2006.
I have since found love and forgiveness through the Church and through organizations such as Rachel’s Vineyard and Silent No More.
I am passionate about telling my story because I want to reach out to people hurt after abortion, encouraging them to attend abortion after-care programs and invite those who are ready to break the silence by speaking the truth about abortion's negative consequences and the path to healing.
I am passionate about telling my story because I want to educate the public that abortion is harmful emotionally, physically and spiritually to women, men and families, so that it becomes unacceptable for anyone to recommend abortion as a 'fix' for a problem pregnancy.
I am passionate about telling my story because I want to help others avoid the pain of abortion.
I am passionate about telling my story because I regret my abortion and I will be Silent No More.
Thank you for reading my testimony and God bless you.
Sincerely, Dale Barr