This was one of my most painful secrets and the untold story of many women and men. The silence doesn't ease the pain and this is why I am telling my story.
I met a boy that is the father of my child; he came to my life at a time when I was young and vulnerable. I fell in love. In just a few months after meeting him, we became sexually involved.
A few years passed and I became pregnant of my first born child. Around this time, my mom was living in California and she had asked me to come to live with her, so I could start college in California. At the same time, I was making life decisions about the relationship that I had with my son's father and I decided to come to live with my mother; instead of staying with him. I was two months into my first pregnancy which I hid from my parents.
When my parents realized that I was pregnant, they felt betrayed. They emotionally abandoned me for the next 7 months of my pregnancy. I reaped the pain of their abandonment and their rejection; this, in part, was the consequence of my disobedience to them. This was one of the hardest things for me to live through.
A few weeks before my son's birth, his father was by my side. We lived as a couple for three years, but these years were filled with emotionally and physical pain. I had many expectations about our life together, but instead I was living an abusive relationship. In part, my son also lived the abuse from his father and that was just too much to handle. I was pregnant once again and we both decided that abortion was our best option. Just a few months later, we separated.
I was left with a broken life through the experiences and decisions that I had made. I decided, in my heart, that my life could never be the same and I decided to start a new chapter, but I was also living with the symptoms of post-abortion. I was emotionally numbed, living promiscuously, suffering from eating disorders, lower self-esteem, isolation, suicidal thoughts and depression. I ended up having multiple abortions.
There are many reasons why I decided to terminate my pregnancies and at that time those reasons were very legitimate—so I thought! However, these decisions only brought me despair. I could never repair or ever bring back my babies.
Years later, I was presented with a better style of life, where I had to make a decision for Jesus. I know today that I would not have made it through without Him, as the pain of my past abortions became unbearable to live with.
I was confronted with the truth that brought to the light my sin and a conviction in my heart. I changed for the better in so many ways.
This was a new walk for me, but it wasn't easy and there were times that I still felt tormented. Remembering the abortions and coming to the reality that I could never bring back my children was hard; shame, guilt and brokenness followed me.
We are not designed to kill our own children—it goes against everything we were meant to be. However, I can say today, God saw me through and walked right beside me and has worked in my heart and is transforming my life—everyday.
God had started a healing process in me; and in that process, God, in his mighty way, allowed me to see my children in a dream, in heaven and gave me the hope to know that one day I will hold them. I had loving people around me that took time to help me through the healing process and it took prayer, confrontation, a lot of crying and learning to embrace forgiveness.
It is interesting that when we have an abortion, in many instances, we don't mourn or cry for the death of our babies. This healing process let me mourn for them and then rejoice, knowing that heaven holds them now and because I chose healing and salvation I have hope in Jesus; I have been forgiven and given a new hope!
I have given my children names. They are always present and are a part of me; they live in my heart. I wrote their names in white balloons and let these go into the blue sky in representation of releasing them and giving their lives into the hands of Jesus. My heart was also being released!
This healing process has taken many years, but I can say, today, that God has been with me and that His bloodshed at the cross is my salvation. I have no doubt that His sacrifice on the cross is enough for all of my sins to be forgiven, but forgiving myself has taken longer. But if I don't take hold of His love and His forgiveness, then I am saying His sacrifice on the cross was not sufficient to forgive myself. Yet, it was the ultimate price any one could ever do for me.
Now I celebrate my freedom in Him, Jesus Christ through His forgiveness!!!