The Child That Was Meant To Be

	Joy Illinois, United States

	I had an abortion because...well there were so many pressing reasons. I was in Nursing School, living on my own, working weekends, attending school with a long commute and hours of homework resulting in 18-hour days and night shift work on the weekends. I grew up in poverty and securing an education and profession was my only way out. I had very little financial resources... some days not eating all day while student nurses had a warm breakfast, lunch and dinner at the hospital cafeteria....I had to choose between bus fare to get to and from school and food. Early in the pregnancy I had terrible morning sickness which lasted all day. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t work. I wanted to sleep all the time. It seemed to go on for weeks, months, a long time. I had to make a choice....to give up school or have an abortion. I couldn’t continue. My boyfriend, who later became my husband, was the same coward then that he is now. He did not stand by me, he did not honor me as the mother of his child, he didn’t care about the baby or me; he only cared about carnal pleasures and I was the piece of flesh that he used for his sexual desires. He was a grammar school teacher at a Catholic school. He went to school the day of my abortion. I went alone. I entered the abortion clinic filled with fear and ambivalence. I look back and recall...no one talked in the waiting room, no one made eye contact, and our heads were all looking down...doom and despair. There was a couple sitting next to me. She was wearing beautiful clothing, a big diamond ring; her husband was dressed well also, looking affluent. They were reaffirming their decision to 'not have any more kids....just couldn’t afford it.' I remember thinking, Oh my God, I have nothing and you have everything...why? I guess I was judging that couple. I didn’t realize it then. During the abortion procedure, I was a sleep, anesthetized, it was painless...but only for that brief time, because, the pain would come, every day, every moment some days, and it would follow me like a shadow every day of my life. Immediately after the abortion, I felt a great sense of relief, like a burden had been lifted. The morning sickness was gone, the extreme tiredness had waned and I was back to my old self. As time went on I felt empty, sad, angry, depressed, filled with regret and separation from God. I finally was able to lay my abortion at the feet of Our Savior, Jesus Christ with the help of a tender, loving Catholic priest, Father Curley, a Project Rachael priest as part of the Project Rachael Ministry. It has been 36 years since my abortion. There has not been a day that I didn’t think about the child that was meant to be....to love and be loved, to live her life, a life that I ended on 3/12/1974.

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