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Johnnie
Kansas,
United States
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I had an abortion the second and third time because I was married to a person who was abusing drugs and we had three children. During the abortion procedure, I felt as though I had crossed a line, a point of no return. As I waited for my “turn,” I remember thinking, if someone would just come and say don't do it...I won't do it. But no one came...
Immediately following the last abortion, I felt numb, confused, dazed. I walked for what seemed hours passing more than one bus stop that would take me back to the southeast San Diego neighborhood I lived in with my husband and kids. Now that I reflect on that day, I remember that I was carrying my sandals and the sidewalk was so hot in San Diego that day. My numbness had kicked in, and I did not feel the heat. When I finally sat at the bus stop, I covered my face in disbelief that I had done "it" yet a third time. Each time before, I promised myself that I would never do it again.
As time went on I felt shame and experienced guilt and failure, feeling unworthy, and actually wanted to die or help somehow kill myself so that I would not be miserable anymore. I found help and the path to forgiveness by attending and participating in a retreat. The Holy Ghost met me there and confirmed and validated that I was still Jesus’ reason for dying on the cross. And that it was His blood the Heavenly Father sees and not me and my failures. And I felt just like Peter in Mark 16, when Jesus told the women to go tell my disciples....and Peter that I have risen!
I met Dr. Alveda King during a Rachel's Vineyard training in Pennsylvania about three years ago. She asked me, “How does it feel to be a pioneer?” Every since then, I have been walking this thing out. I would like to assist others with this message of reckoning, reconciling, and unconditional forgiveness. I am looking into publishing my journey of healing. I know I have not used my gifts to the fullest to give God glory. Since I stepped forward to heal, my life has been more worth living. My senses have come alive, and I can sense my children in heaven applauding their mother for small steps taken. My heavenly Father has sent some sweet messages of his forgiveness on the Mother's Day following my retreat of March in 2007. He has held me in his precious arms every step of the way.
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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