Second Thoughts

Virginia,  United States

I had an abortion at the solid age of nineteen and I was just about to graduate high school around that time.  I missed my period for three months and it never occurred to me I might just be pregnant. I was in a relationship with a guy that always wanted to have sex and we were pretty careless about it.  I used to think it was love, so I did anything for him even though I didn't want to have sex most of the time.  I know now that is not love!

He wanted us to keep the baby and I guess a part of me wanted to too, but I honestly didn't care.  I didn't see how this could affect me at all.  I wasn't a Christian either at the time, but I lived in a Christian family.  During the abortion procedure I experienced second thinking.  My friend who is a counselor told me if I had any doubts then I should just get up and leave even if they wouldn't refund me my money. I wish I listened because as the hours got closer I felt like I shouldn't be doing what I was doing.

I remember when the nurse did a sonogram she didn't even let me see my baby on the screen. I guess she knew if I saw it then I would not want to go through with anything.  Having the abortion was the most painful experience in my life!  I felt like a part of me was dying and literally something was.  As time went on after the abortion I felt and experienced rejection.  I felt like my friends and family had changed their minds about me.

 My boyfriend left me a year later!  Which at the time I was saying that I was glad because he would have left me alone with our child.  I knew things wouldn't be different if I had kept it.  I became insensitive to things and judged people just to make myself feel better.  I guess you can say I tried to avoid the whole abortion situation and replaced it with hatred towards the world. I started to hate that the government was talking about abortions and seeing statuses on Facebook about what they think about abortions.
I was just angry at the world for telling people what and what not to do with their bodies. 

 A few months later I started going to church with a friend because we were talking about changing our lives.  I knew at the time I wanted to change my life and the only way to change it is through God.  I couldn't do this by myself anymore! I tried that for eight years and look what direction I was going.  I knew God would forgive me and he would not judge me.

 I am finding my help and forgiveness through God.

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