If there is one thing I regret, it is the trap of choice that imprisons so many and it is my abortions. I had an abortion because I thought it was the best choice for me at that time. I looked at the reality of becoming a mother as a mistake and attempted to fix it. I disconnected my head from my heart and didn’t think about the reality of what I was about to do.
I remember walking through the doors of the abortion clinic and there was coldness inside that building. I briefly visited with someone who worked there and she promised that I will feel nothing and feel relief.
Before, during and after the abortion procedure, I was never informed of the physical or emotional consequences abortions would have on my health.
Immediately after the abortion I was taken to post op and the woman asked why I chose abortion. I was taken back at such a question and it was beyond me that she would even ask. She told me that it is now all over and I can rest. Nothing about me was going to find rest. My body, my mind, my heart, my soul would never know rest again.
Relief was the very last thing I felt and the emptiness set in. As time went on, I fell into depression and self-destruction, trying to somehow compensate by believing that I deserve to be punished daily. Nothing would compensate for what I did. The more I tried, the worse I felt because I couldn’t bring my children back. Feeling nothing but despair, shame, guilt, unworthiness…I couldn’t take what I was feeling inside anymore and I decided that the only way to end the pain was by taking my own life.
I removed God from the throne of my life and placed myself in His seat and destroyed what He created in me. I feel shame and regret that will never go away, but I am on the road to recovery knowing that Jesus makes all things new. I am in Christ, and I am a new creation, the old has passed. There is redemption in Jesus Christ.
What’s lost in the political discourse or pro-choice and pro-life is that Post Abortion Stress Syndrome is real that effects everyone. And if this was elevated by our pro-choice politicians, we can change the debate from a woman’s right to a woman’s health issue. And if a party truly wants to protect the health and well-being of women, not to mention the most innocent and helpless persons in our society (the unborn), you would think a party would be educated on and promote awareness about PASS. And this is why I will be silent no more.