Dreaming of Holding My Baby

	Valetina Texas, United States

	I was just 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant. When I found out, I was happy, but at the same time, I was ashamed. I know that babies are a gift of God. I have always been against abortions. I didn't tell my boyfriend that I was pregnant because of all the things he was saying. I started to research for abortion clinics and financial help for abortions. I made an appointment with the abortion clinic on Wednesday, and I went there with my two little brothers. They didn't know that was an abortion clinic. They are 16 and 18. Anyway, when I went in, I saw so many different women and teens in there. I told the receptionist that I was in for my appointment, and she had me fill out health information papers. After I filled them out, I waited for them to call me inside. They called me in and did an ultrasound to confirm I was pregnant. When they did the ultrasound, the nurse said she didn't see my baby. So she had me pee into a cup to confirm I was pregnant. I went back in the room and she said that I was pregnant. She tried to do the ultrasound again to see if she could see the baby. After that, she said they were going to do blood work to see how far along I was and to see it was not an ectopic pregnancy. The nurse that was taking my blood asked me what I was going to be later in life. I told her I wanted to be a doctor. She was said, “That's my girl. We need more Hispanic women doctors.” That had me think more about what my boyfriend said. Then she told me that they would call me in three days with the results. They called me three days later and told me I was 5 weeks pregnant and that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I had to make the second appointment for the procedure. So I made the appointment for Friday, and they told me I had to take someone who could take me home. So I asked a friend that is like a brother to me to take me to the clinic. He said yes. He didn't know anything about the abortion either. So we headed to the clinic that morning. Once we got there, we both had to check in because they needed to see if I did have a designated driver to take me home. After waiting there for 30 minutes, they called me in and I had an ultrasound. She showed me the baby. That made me want to change my mind, but I went through with it. They had me take drugs to help me get ready for the procedure. The pills had me feeling drowsy and sleepy. Then they called me into the procedure room. The nurse had to help me walk to the procedure room. That's how powerful the pills were. In the procedure room, they asked me if I wanted to be under so I wouldn't feel the pain. I said yes. That came into effect in five minutes. A nurse stood by my side during the entire procedure. When the doctor did the procedure, it felt like he was ripping something apart from me. I had an abortion because I was worried about what my parents would think, especially after my step dad found out his daughter was pregnant. He was ashamed of her. I also wondered what would happen to me when I was in a different city and in college. How will my boyfriend and I raise this baby if we were in different cities? Plus, my boyfriend didn't want me to have the baby. During the abortion procedure, I experienced a blur because I was under drugs and it was painful. I felt like a part of me was ripped out of me. As the time went on after the abortion, I felt depressed, ashamed, and regretful. I always dream of holding my baby in my arms. I think of the baby more because I see how many of my friends are having their babies. I would have been 38 weeks pregnant right now if I hadn't had the abortion. I haven't found any help or forgiveness ever. I haven't even told my boyfriend yet, but I am planning to tell him this weekend.

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