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Sandi
Michigan,
United States
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I had my first abortion because I was ashamed that I had gotten pregnant. I knew that my parents wouldn't understand, wouldn't support me, and probably would have disowned me. I disappointed them enough as it was, so I didn't need to do anything like "get pregnant" to make it any worse.
My dad and I had a pretty troubled relationship. He was pretty hard on me growing up. Not in a loving, helpful way, just hard...looking back now, of course, I understand. My dad had it tough. He had a troubled childhood, and then he had to support a pretty large family on a VERY small salary. My mom was not supportive of him and didn't respect him (at the time). It wasn't until the day he died (1990) that I felt like he loved me.
Right after my abortion, things seemed okay. I don't remember feeling anything. I'm sure I had blocked out all the feelings associated with it.
My second abortion...well…I had that one, because the first one was so "easy"...or so I thought.
The impact on my life was tremendous. I bounced around from troubled relationship to troubled relationship. Strangely enough, I didn't even realize why I only dated people that would hurt me. And anytime I dated a "nice" guy, I would do something to ruin it. In fact, at 39 I was single (again) and wanted so much for someone to love me for me. And I finally gave in and let GOD decide who I should date, and what I was looking for in a man. We found each other online, and we did everything right and followed His will. As we dated, I even told him of my abortions...he was the first person I really told. I became Catholic and, in 2009, we married. I went to my first confession before my confirmation. The "relief" I felt after confessing...didn't seem enough, because I still didn't believe that GOD could/would forgive me.
In 2012, I cheated on him. It broke him, broke me...and my husband insisted I see a Catholic (marriage friendly) counselor. He was (and is still, I'm sure) hurt, more than I can imagine, but didn't/doesn't want to divorce. He found someone in Saginaw, and for a year, I traveled once a week, then once every other week to see her. She suggested that I read Abby Johnson’s book “Unplanned.” I read the first chapter, and it was tremendously painful. I went back to see her and told her how bad it was. She just said, keep reading...it'll help. I can't tell you how much I cried reading that book. It wasn't until I sat in her office after reading the book and pouring over all the things I've done that it hit me. All the damaging things I had gone through and done...stemmed from that decision to kill my children (still breaks my heart to say that) ...and after all that I've done...GOD does forgive, does love me, and has always been there...reaching out for me.
I would love to help someone dealing with or still deciding...but I don't know how...
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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