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Joanne
New York,
United States
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I was in my 40's. My mother had become an invalid and passed away. On top of that, my husband had left me with my two teen-aged children. Although I had been following the Lord since I was 15, I got angry. Even though I did everything right, my husband was still gone. So, I decided I was going to live like everyone else.
I met a man at a school I was attending to learn some skills. He was funny, charming, and very friendly. He asked me on a date. Although my gut said no, my classmates said to go. I had no backbone, so I went.
It became sexual. Even as a teen I did not have sex until I was married. I believed in that and stuck to my guns. But because of my decision to live like everyone else, I just went along with it. I continued to do so for about a year. I was nothing but a sex object. Whenever he called, I would go, even though he lived far away.
Even once in a snow storm, he called and I almost got killed getting there.
I was obsessed with him. The Enemy was in full force.
Then I missed my time of the month. I knew right away because of a vein near my breast that becomes visible during pregnancy. I guess it’s the milk vein.
I was so ashamed. How could I tell my children? I tried picking up something heavy to get rid of it. That did not work. I had to have the baby. How could I not? So I told my boyfriend, but he was no friend at all. He insisted that I couldn't have the baby. I said I was a Christian! He said no. So I did the unthinkable. It was something I thought I would never do.
On that day he came with me; I think he wanted to make sure I did it. He was even flirting with other women. It is a bit of a blur to me.
Later, when I put the Red LIFE sticker on my mouth, it all came back to me. I became a non-person after that; I was numb. I sank deeper into a dark cloud. I felt like the walking dead myself.
I got away from that man. But my relationship with men suffered, one after the other, and I was often mistreated.
I had to have a hysterectomy about a year or two after that. I could not help but think it had to do with the abortion.
My daughter and son ended up finding out anyway. My daughter walked out and did not talk to me for two years. Even if she saw me on the street, she ignored me. But my son stuck by me.
Years later, my daughter announced she was pregnant. She wasn't married, but she had been living with her boyfriend. I was overjoyed. Then, a sorrow came to me like rushing water. I sought healing. Using my last penny, I went to an "Into My Arms" weekend run by Julie Woodly. It was similar to Rachel’s Vineyard, and they used a lot of the same videos.
It was there I found relief for my pain through the blood and love of Jesus Christ. I know He forgives me. He loves me so tenderly. I am amazed!
When I looked at the cross, I said, “Jesus, I never thought I would commit this sin, 'Thou shalt not murder.'”
I am a new creation now. I don't want to hide my child anymore. He was an innocent causality of a spiritual war. Now I see him in the arms of Jesus.
Then I had this bittersweet thought about my mother. She always helped me when I had my children. She was a baby advocate. She took in foster babies when I was 12.
I thought, “Mom, even in Heaven, I have sent you a baby to help me care for until I get there and see you both.”
Today, I have two grandchildren, Sophia and Joseph. I am so committed to them. I hold them extra tight. My daughter wasn't married when she had her daughter, but I was so proud to watch her become such a beautiful mother. I see how God blesses her.
I know that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life from experience. I am so grateful that Jesus waited for me to come back, like the prodigal son. I see Him giving me Himself, and I am so honored. True beauty for ashes! He is my KING!
To my precious baby: I will not forget you. I never have. You were always here hidden in my heart. I will not hide you anymore. I love you. To say that I am sorry doesn't seem to be enough. I will never forget you! Your life does matter. I know that you are with Jesus in His Kingdom, and I will see you one day. Love, Mom
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