Scared and Alone

  Mary
Louisiana,  United States
 
  I had an abortion because I was scared. My boyfriend told me that was our only option. I did not go to my parents because I was not close to them at the time, and I knew my parents would be very hurt if they knew. I was "in love" and I thought that my boyfriend was going to take care of me during the abortion procedure.

 I felt very scared and alone. The people that worked there were not kind, and they showed no compassion. I felt even more lost than ever. I felt regret immediately. I look back and I don't know why I didn't go to my parents, a counselor, or someone from church. I don't know. Regret doesn't even begin to describe how terrible I felt. I knew going into it that it was wrong, and I did it anyway. I sinned on purpose.

This was the gateway sin to a new life for me. At the age of 19 I began a life of low morals. I was a virgin when I became pregnant. I thought I was going to marry the boyfriend, but instead we broke up about a year after the abortion. I became very promiscuous, and I experimented with drugs and alcohol. It is only by God's divine grace and mercy that I didn't die. I even considered suicide at one point in my life because I had gotten so far off track, and I didn't think I could ever get back.  I knew all along that I was living immorally, but I did it anyway. I thought I didn't deserve to live a good life. I was destined to be considered "trash". I thought I was nothing but trash. Even through my low morals, I did meet an amazing man. He loved me and married me, even though I thought so little of myself. I was Catholic, although I was not practicing, and I wanted to get married in the Catholic Church. He wanted that also, even though he was not Catholic. We did get married in the Catholic Church, and I kept my secret from everyone. My first child changed me. I had him baptized, and I realized that I needed to raise him up in the church and live a good and moral life, for him! I started going back to church ad bringing my children to church. My husband became Catholic also!

One day about 10 years ago (20 years after the abortion) at Sunday Mass, my priest announced or reminded us that we were not to receive Holy Communion if we had not gone to confession. I hadn't been to confession in over 20 years at that time, and I had never confessed the abortion. I went to communion that day, but the next day I went to see my priest and confessed to him. My sins were absolved! I became even more active in church and now I can't imagine my life without serving in my church.

I still feel the guilt and shame every day. I am determined to carry on, to carry my cross and serve Him. I go to confession now regularly, and I pray every day. I want to live my life aligned to Christ. Through God's Divine Mercy I have been forgiven. That is why I am silent no more.
   
   
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