Garment of Shame and Guilt

  Tammie
Florida,  United States
 
  At the very young age of sixteen years old, I was pregnant and very scared.  I remember not fully understanding the decision of abortion that I was told I had to make.

Immediately after my abortion, I was told that everything would be okay and I could go on with my life.  In reality, I was not able to do that.  I fell into a dark hole of depression, promiscuity, and drug use.   I had three more abortions before the age of nineteen.  I remember feeling numb and disconnected, and very alone.  I passionately hated myself.  I clothed myself in garment of shame and guilt.  The self-hatred, shame, guilt and grief became so great that in one dark night of desperation I tried to take my own life.  There, in that desperate attempt to find peace, I thought that I didn’t deserve to live because my children no longer lived. 

But, thank God, He saved me that night, and I found true peace in salvation through Jesus Christ.  He picked me up, brushed me off, and polished me with forgiveness.  I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat two years ago and began to feel the emotional healing that I had so longed for and desperately needed.

Looking back over my life, I see the tremendous impact that abortion has had not only on my life but those that I love around me.  The pain that they have endured through the years, some that were involved in taking me to my abortions or making the decisions, the guilt and sadness over the loss they felt as the realization of the choice that was made became apparent.  Some as they watched me suffer knowing their role.  And others as they watched helplessly as my pain became unbearable.  Every person involved has suffered a tremendous loss and grief because of abortion.

After twenty years of being silent, carrying this tragic and devastating secret, I found healing through Jesus Christ.  Jesus came to set the captives free, and I am free indeed and that is why I am silent no more!
   
   
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