At age 15 I had an abortion because I felt I did not want to
end up as another stereotypical black, single, welfare mom. My primary goal was
to finish school and be the first in my family to graduate from college. I knew
I could not meet my educational goals with a child. My childhood was spent in
and out of foster care and living with different relatives.
During the abortion experience I felt an overwhelming sense
of fear mixed with despair and loneliness. I especially remember the gruff and
rude doctor who performed the abortion. I recall feeling the suction pulling at
my walls which caused a sharp pain. As I began to cry during the procedure, the
doctor said, "Be still or you can do this yourself!" There was no
sense of compassion in his voice, only coldness. When the abortion was over, I
was rushed out of the facility with pain pills and antibiotics. The healthcare provider gave a cursory
overview of the side effects and sent me on my way. I remember feeling empty,
ashamed, and alone as I caught the bus to school.
As time went on the long term emotional consequences became
evident. For example, I was very distant in my relationships with men. I lack
trust in my personal relationships because the father of the child left me to
make the difficult decision of aborting the baby. I am also very suspicious of
healthcare providers because I believed the lie about the child being
"just a bunch of cells."
My healing process began with a Christian teacher at my
school. Mrs. Waddell discovered I had an abortion and responded with
compassion. She asked if I was okay and if I needed anything. Then she gave me
a hug and she assured me that our discussion would be kept private. I am so grateful
for her loving reaction.
I hope my life experience will deter someone from having an
abortion. Perhaps a teenage girl will embrace abstinence. This is why I am silent
no more.