Chilled

  Vicki
California,  United States
 
  I had two abortions in the early 1970's. At that time abortion was only legal in New York and California. I lived in Massachusetts... It was a long time ago, but sometimes it seems like yesterday. Some things about them I will never forget. I was pregnant both times by the same man. He did not want to get married. If my parents even found out that I was sexually active, let alone pregnant, they would die. These were enough reasons for me to choose abortion. My boyfriend went with me for the first one, the second one he did not know about.             

I remember the procedure itself and feeling very removed from my body when it was done. I remember nothing after the first one, but after the second one I remember trying to console another woman who was crying after the procedure. I stayed at a hotel in New York City that night and could not get warm. I called the front desk and asked them to check the heater, but there was nothing wrong with it. I was freezing, chills passing through my body like a knife. It was a sensation that was to return many times over the years.  The next day on the bus going home I felt a huge emptiness inside and cried out to God to never let me do this ever again. I got pregnant again by the same man...I kept wanting to put the babies back in my womb.  This time I moved to CA and my son was adopted here in San Fran.     

For years I struggled to make something of my life. I married a man I met in group therapy.  We were both mourning the loss of a child, his by divorce, mine by adoption. I did not recognize my losses by abortion. I had another son, and my stepson came to live with us. I was still not happy; I did not know what was wrong. I thought it was about the adoption, but an astute pregnancy center counselor said it was more likely about the abortions. I did not want to go there.  I worked and worked to be the perfect wife and mother and step mother. I overachieved constantly at my work. I was still miserable, and my children and husband knew what people saw on the outside was not who I really was.         

I took the training to be a pregnancy center volunteer and was told I would have to go through their post abortion Bible study before I could counsel. I thank God that they made that rule, and I believe they made it when they saw me coming. I was the first one who volunteered after they made that rule and I thank God, I thank God, I thank God. Finally, through this Bible study I began to see how the abortions had affected me. I let myself feel the incredible grief I had for the babies who I had aborted. I saw how my relationships with my husband and my children were marred because I could not let myself get close to anyone. I could only punish myself because of what I had done.  I saw how the anger I had at myself for what I had done was being taken out on my husband and children.  I began to heal, and the truth that Jesus had paid the price for me with His blood began to be real to me. I did the study a second time a few years later and accepted His complete forgiveness and restoration. I knew then as I do now that my babies are with Jesus in Heaven and I will see them there some day. My mother is having that joy now.   

Eventually I told my parent's about my birth son and also shared with them about my abortions. My mom never forgot any of my children. When she was 94 and in a nursing home she told me she had a dream that the Irish ladies in the room next to her's were taking care of all the aborted babies. I was able to share with her that she would meet them in heaven before I would and to love them for me. We held hands and wept over the loss that we both felt intensely. I do not get that chilled sensation anymore...even when speaking up here.  I thought for so long that I should never have been born, but now I know His purpose for me is to lead other women in healing Bible study.             

I have met and know so many women and men like myself who struggled for years and did not know why and that is the reason I will be SILENT NO MORE!
   
   
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