My Choice

  Nancy
Missouri,  United States
 
  I am a living testimony of how choosing to terminate a child’s life through abortion can impact the life of a woman.  I was raised in a home with 5 younger siblings.  I married to escape the responsibility of caring for my 5 younger siblings.  I found myself at the age of 17, married, a mother of a 6 month old baby, and pregnant. I felt overwhelmed with the thought of having another baby to care for. The night before my abortion I had a dream that would be my nightmare for over 35 years.  I dreamed of a little girl walking through a field.  She came up to me and spoke straight into my face.  She said, “Mommy, please don’t kill me.”  I tried to back out of the abortion, but my husband said it was the best thing for me.  

During the abortion procedure I was told that a suction hose would be used, like that in a dentist office, to distract the tissue from my uterus.  The sound of a suction hose caused a fear so intense that I would have panic attacks when I went to the dentist.  
 
The choice I made to take the life of my child opened up a door of guilt, shame, pain, and grief.  I had two more boys. I never wanted my boys to feel that they were unwanted. I wore myself out trying to be the best mom.  I had a false sense of responsibility toward my children.  I took on the facade of being their “savior” for every life challenge they faced.  I deadened my failures with eating.  

I have attended a Surrendering the Secret class, and a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat where I accepted forgiveness.  I stand before you a woman who by the grace of God is able to speak out against the lie that abortion is not harmful to women.  My “choice” is to be Silent No More.
   
   
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