As an only child, I grew up with an absent father and a distant relationship with my mother. At age 12, I was placed in the foster care system. I was emotionally and sexually abused from age 5-17. I was starving for affection/love, not sex, but the two became intertwined. At the age of 25 I found myself pregnant.
I was in an unhealthy relationship at the time. I remember feeling shocked, overwhelmed, confused, alone, and scared. I wanted out of this relationship, not tied to it. With many tears, I called the abortion clinic. I felt pressured on the phone to come the next day, to just get the procedure over with. I thought I could just put the past behind me. I didn’t know how to deal with the “how can I” questions, the reaction or questions of others. Having no support system in place, abortion felt like a way out.
I walked into that abortion clinic alone, thinking that, within a couple hours, my problems would be solved (or so I thought). I could just return to life as usual, hiding the secret as if nothing ever happened. In my mind I had been convinced it was a blob of tissue. I never had an ultrasound. I remember the staff seemed cold and uncompassionate. I felt rushed; no-one explained the procedure to me as I lay on the examination table confused and fearful. When I left, I felt numb and a temporary sense of relief. The relationship ended soon after. He never knew about the pregnancy or abortion.
I lived in denial for years after. As a believer, waking up to the reality that I killed my child was overwhelming. I tried to forget and go on with my life, but deep inside I was held captive with guilt, shame, and regret hidden in secret. I often felt unworthy and distant from God. To numb the pain I turned to eating disorders.
God is a gracious God. I married my husband and had two beautiful children. One Sunday, over six years ago, we had a special speaker who shared about her abortion and God's redemption. That day my denial broke, I no-longer felt alone. I could not forgive myself but ran from God's healing for a couple years. Thankfully, we serve a faithful God who is determined to chase after us and not give up, and that's exactly what he did.
Through a post abortion Bible study and sharing my story with my teenagers and in front of my church, my healing felt complete. I am so thankful that I have Jesus as my Lord and Savior who forgives entirely, heals deeply, and restores completely. I am thankful God no longer looks at who I was, but rather who I have become. May we have the compassion and courage to be a voice of life and truth, not only for the unborn but also for moms who need to know and experience that there is a Jesus in the 21st century who makes beauty from ashes and sets captives free.
God's word says that we are more than overcomers by the word of our testimony. Why? Because by our testimony we expose the lies and bring them to the light so that lives can saved, so chains and cycles may be broken for the next generations to come. Because we are silent no more.