I was a super senior in college when I had, what I thought was, my first abortion. My boyfriend psychologically coerced me into this unwanted abortion. At first I felt relief after the abortion, but it quickly turned to guilt and regret weeks after.
At the clinic I felt totally in the dark. No one offered any counseling. I just filled out paperwork and thought, "I'm going to be a statistic." I had nightmares following the abortion.
I found help and forgiveness with my Al-Anon friends, who told me about Project Rachel. Years later I found Rachel's Vineyard retreats. I found the deepest healing through therapy with a dissociative disorders expert. This is when I finally forgave myself.
I want to share my story and be silent no more about all the lies that are perpetrated about abortion. They tell you that you will feel relief, but you feel terrible guilt. The pro-choice movement does a big injustice to women, feeding them lies.
Years after my first abortion I recovered incest memories and remembered a second abortion that happened when I was 17. My brother was the father. He knew I was pregnant, and I didn't know. He took me for a switched abortion, as I have multiple personalities and was switched easily, using my nickname. After this abortion my brother continued raping me for another six years. If I were allowed to give birth he would have gone to jail.
The clinic offered no help for me. This was a coerced abortion. I was awake for it, and, as I grunted in pain, the woman said, "It's almost over." That's the only support I got. As time went on after this abortion I suffered from promiscuity and alcohol and drug abuse. I stopped using alcohol and drugs in my junior year of college.
This baby's blood is totally on my brother. I did not give my consent to be pregnant or have an abortion. I found the most help recovering from this abortion through my psychologist who I was seeing for my DID. I hope I can share my story with other incest survivors.