In 1977 I had an abortion in Washington, DC. I was in college and felt it was the wrong time to have a child. I had accompanied my roommate to the same clinic to have her abortion, so I knew a little bit about it. I remember feeling like it was an out of body experience. The abortion clinic workers were very matter of fact, without much compassion. I remember wanting someone to hug me and tell me it would be okay. I was an atheist at the time, and I totally bought into the clinic's perspective that this was NOT a baby but a bunch of cells that had no feeling.
I felt like the clinic didn't do a very good job of explaining the procedure or what to expect afterward. My periods had always been erratic, so I wasn't even sure how far along I was. It turned out I was 10 weeks, although I didn't see an ultrasound. They discovered that I was Rh negative and really didn't explain how that would impact future pregnancies. I didn't meet the doctor until he came in to perform the abortion. The pain was unreal, and I remember asking the nurse if childbirth was that painful and she responded that this was a "piece of cake" and asked if I could stop squeezing her hand so tightly! It was forty years ago, and I still remember the sound of the vacuum machine, the smell of antiseptic, and the look of my precious baby lying bloody and broken on a surgical tray. I was shell-shocked afterward, and my baby's father and I went to a hotel for the night where I cried and cried and knew life would never be the same again. We eventually married but, along with other issues, I think the pain of that abortion was too much for us to bear as a couple.
I spent years after my abortion self-medicating to deaden the pain, being promiscuous, suicidal, anorexic, and depressed. I worked with several psychiatrists, who were far more concerned with my childhood sexual abuse than the damage of my abortion. Despite that work, I never healed. Something was always missing.
In 1997, 20 years after my abortion, I finally found the missing component, Jesus Christ. One day visiting a Spanish Mission in the southwest, as clear as a bell, I heard Him say to me, "I forgave you for your abortion long ago, now walk with me." The past 20 years has been all about how to live for Jesus and serve Him daily.
Three years ago I felt an urging from the Holy Spirit to share my testimony regarding my abortion and the restoration that is possible through faith in Jesus with others. Nothing can heal the pain from abortion but faith. I know, because I tried them all for two decades. Jesus knows all you've done and thought about. Receive His forgiveness and be “silent no more."