To Honor the Memory of My Son

My name is Christy, and only by the Grace of God am I standing here today as a witness to the horrific consequences of abortion. Fear is a mighty weapon of dark forces. It can lead us to panic, like a trapped animal, as we look for fast, easy solutions. It is an impatient master when we become vulnerable to it.

As a sixteen year old faced with an unplanned pregnancy, I was vulnerable to that fear and panic, so when Planned Parenthood told me it was only a blob of tissue, like a tumor, and that I could solve my problem quickly and easily, that I could go on with my life as if I had never been pregnant, that my family would never need to know, I believed that lie.

The abortion clinic was sterile and cold just like my heart, numbed by sedation and the belief that I had no other choice. Afterwards, surrounded by the soft cries of the other girls around me, tears began to flow as I realized the truth, a child, my child, was gone forever. I told myself, don’t you dare cry, this is what you chose to do and now you can’t undo it. It was then that I decided I would never think about it again. I would bury the pain deep inside myself, as if it had never happened.

But there is a price to pay for rationalizing and denying the pain and shame I felt. The culture said abortion was okay, so why did I feel such unbelievable loss and shame? I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Silence! 

When I was growing up, I dreamed of having children and a loving family. But everything I did after the abortion made that dream impossible, I didn’t deserve it. I contemplated suicide many times. The final time, I fell to my knees and begged God, if you’re really there, forgive me, help me! He answered me with an indescribable, unfathomable love. He awakened my soul and eventually led me to the healing I was blessed to find through a post-abortion recovery Bible study and then a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat.