Never the Same

I was 15 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I was dating a boy (who, through God's grace, is now my husband) I loved, but we weren't officially together yet. Unfortunately, I had already had sexual encounters from an early age, so being promiscuous with him already had an open door. We had unprotected sex and, six weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I was in absolute shock as the nurse told me at Planned Parenthood. I walked out, knowing my life was never going to be the same again, and all I could do was weep. 

I called to let my now-husband know that I was indeed pregnant. He went silent, and he recalls the color draining from his face. We were scared and knew we had to tell our parents. It took me a week—a week full of torment, of trying to muster up the courage to face my parents.  But I knew each day was a day that my baby needed me to take action. I finally had the courage to tell my mother when she came home, and her world crumbled before her. My dad couldn't even look at me for days... they were both angry, hurt, confused, and disappointed. My mom had me at 19 with someone else, so she knew the feeling of being young and pregnant. My biological father even offered to pay for an abortion, but my mom stood firm in that she wanted me, and since then he was out of the picture. She was divided—between her faith and her values and me only being 15, and my dad being concrete on me having an abortion because "a kid can't have a kid". Unfortunately, my dad didn't have faith in God, so he didn't foresee the pain it would later cause. It took a week for my mom to finally come to me and told me that, with much thought, she felt it was best for my life to have an abortion (I know she felt pressure to decide, as I suggested to keep the baby, but my dad would have then kicked me out). She wanted to keep her family together and, out of fear and despair, she said this is the decision they made. 

So off we went to Planned Parenthood, when I was 9 weeks pregnant to the day. Therefore, the procedure was done via since I was past 8 weeks. I remember walking in early in the morning with my mom, feeling every emotion- confused, pressured, sad, divided, indifferent, numb, scared. I saw women sitting and crying and others barely being able to walk out from the drugs they were given. When they called me back, they didn't allow my mom to come with me. I couldn't believe I had to face this alone... I laid there and a nurse came in to give me something to "relax" me. I remember the room being cold, white, sterile... and as I looked up all I could see was this bright white light staring back at me. As the sedation kicked in, it immediately felt like it wasn't real, almost out of body. I could hear the sound of the suction and, within a few minutes, the emotionless doctor said, "Okay, it's done." The nurse then took me back to recovery and kept me for a few minutes, to make sure I was okay. When I left the clinic that day, I feel that is the day where I went numb and I lost a part of myself. I pushed it so far down into the deep depths of my spirit. 

The aftermath was awful—my dad didn't talk to me or look at me for four months, and I lost my best friend of eight years, because she let the secret out. Kids at school started to bully me and called me a "baby killer." I also had negativity from my now-husband's siblings, and they too called me "baby killer." I lost who I was at that point in my life. I started to look for my identity—worth, validation—in counterfeit comforts, such as vanity and materialism, but most of all, pornography. My self-esteem was low, and my wall were up.  I trusted no one. Depression always seemed to find me. On the inside, I felt alone and like no one was on my side. When I thought about my abortion- I felt no connection to it, I felt numb and emotionless, and I felt like something was wrong with me for not crying or being depressed over it. 

But looking back through the help of the healing program, Deeper Still, my pain was so deep seated and tucked away that only God could reveal my true condition. My mentor in Christ prayed for me as I was going through a spiritually trying time, and it was revealed to her that I needed healing. Our God is our redeemer, and He wanted to redeem this. In God's provision, she happened to know someone who went to Deeper Still and shared how it had radically changed his life. So, in obedience, I went to this retreat and started my healing journey. It was one of the best weekends of my life. I felt so loved and accepted and the reality of forgiveness was real for me. God forgave my sin of abortion and so lovingly lavished me with His love. I am forever grateful.

I'm still on the healing journey, as my abortion has become more of a reality to me, since before I disassociated myself from it. I encourage everyone who has had an abortion to seek healing and experience God's love, mercy, and grace towards us.