In 1983, in Houston, Texas, I was 15 years old in the 10th grade in high school. After being forced into sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, I realized after a few weeks that I had become pregnant. The boyfriend and I had already broken up from the relationship.
I went to Planned Parenthood to get a “free” pregnancy test to confirm that I was pregnant. They told me that at this stage of only five weeks of pregnancy, “it” was only a blob of tissue. They also suggested that I could have an abortion, since I was so young and still in school.
After speaking with my sister and several friends at school, I decided to have an abortion, since everybody told me that it was really “no big deal, people do it all the time, especially since you're still in school.” I was thinking how terrible it would be to try to go to school pregnant, like others I had seen.
I was covered with shame and guilt, even before the abortion took place. When I told my ex-boyfriend that I was pregnant and needed money for an abortion, he denied that he was the father, which deepened my shame.
Around October 1983, my mom and sister took me to an abortion facility - my mom had overheard me talking on the phone to my sister about being pregnant. My mom, like me, knew absolutely nothing of what an abortion actually did to a baby or the woman. The abortion procedure was extremely painful, as the anesthesia was only partial. I could hear and feel everything, like my insides were being ripped out of me. I had not even ever been to a gynecologist before this.
Emotionally, I spiraled into very destructive behaviors—drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex—almost immediately following the abortion. I was completely spiritually void, rebelling against my Christian upbringing. I also became emotionally numb, with not much regard for living at all. As I was going through the motions, trying to fill this huge void within me, I attached myself to an abusive relationship less than a year after the abortion.
My dad was an evangelist, so I was too fearful to ever tell him about the abortion, until almost 20 years later. When I told him, he was devastated that he had lost a grandchild. I married the man that was already abusing me, as a result of extremely low self-esteem. I attempted suicide as a result of recurring depression.
The abortion ruined all chances of having children. I suffered five miscarriages during my marriage of 18 years, which resulted in divorce. Three of these miscarriages were tubal pregnancies, requiring emergency surgery and very near-death experiences. I so wanted an “atonement” baby to make up for the one I killed. I also battled breast cancer in 2014 (research has proven that abortion can cause breast cancer).
Abortion was the most selfish decision I ever made in my whole life. It affected everyone in my life and caused devastation to my mind, soul, and body.
There is healing for broken hearts and lives after abortion, through the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. His work at the cross of Calvary removes all shame, bitterness, self-hatred, and sin, if we only believe and receive Him in our hearts. I received healing for my broken heart through Beauty for Ashes post abortion recovery group and Forgiven and Set Free Bible study. I was able to forgive those involved in my abortion, including myself, after receiving God's forgiveness through Jesus. Now I am silent no more, sharing my story publicly and privately as much as possible, as God opens those doors for me.