Grateful

I can remember that day like it was yesterday. It was a day I’ll never forget. It was the day I thought my world was coming to an end. Looking back now... I never thought that I’d be sharing what I’m about to tell you. In fact, if it wasn’t for the Grace of God and everyone God has put in my path, I would not be here right now. My heart still aches, and it is very overwhelming to relive this day by speaking to you right now. But I feel that my testimony might help others or save a life. Today I’d like to tell you about the day I lost my child to abortion. 

I was 27 years old back then, and I was with a woman to whom I was engaged. We were pregnant with a child. She had already had two boys from a previous relationship, and I was ok with that. One weekend, when I thought she was visiting her sister from out of town, she didn’t come back on Monday. I went to where she was staying, and she was not there. I then waited at her house until she came home. When she finally came home, I asked her where she had been. She started to cry and preceded to tell me that our relationship would never work out. I was taken back and asked her why. I told her that we could get through it together. She then told me that she had had an abortion. At first I didn’t believe her and thought that she was just saying this to get me to leave and then have an abortion later. I told her to prove it to me. She then showed me proof. At that moment, I was so angry and shocked to the point where I was having a hard time breathing. I then left in a rage. 

I got into my car and drove to the store and bought beer and a bottle of extra strength Tylenol. I had lost it to the point where I wanted to die. I drove to a spot where I knew I could not be found. I drank and drank. I was going out of my mind with the thoughts of losing my child. I felt life was not worth living now that I had lost everything. I then somehow drove to my parent’s house and parked in driveway. I then swallowed a handful of pills. I sat there as everything started to slow down. I started to feel numb—soon it would be over. I then heard someone talking outside. They asked me if I was ok. They then brought me to the hospital where I was given help. I then was kept like a crazy person until I was released, when they felt I wouldn’t hurt myself.

What happed next was devastating. I lost my job and couldn’t get help or counseling from anyone about what was then on my mind every second of every day. I moved back in with my parents, and they supported me till I found another job. I needed to do something to fill my time, so I went back to school to get my high school diploma. Every day I struggled with this. One day, after getting my life somewhat back together, I saw her at a store. She came up to my car window. My heart was aching. I rolled down the window.  She said “Hi, how are you doing?”  All I could say was ok. She then said she was sorry for all that had happened and that she wanted me to find someone who didn’t have kids and problems, that I deserved that. At that moment... all I could do was forgive her.

From that moment on, I not only forgave her, but I had peace. I went on with my life, met my beautiful wife, and had two amazing kids. 

Everything was ok until the day I posted a meme on Facebook about abortion. I saw that my friends had different opinions about abortion. And, before I knew it, that day came back to me again. I knew that night, now that God was in my life, that I needed to address the past and get help. It was affecting me to the point of me shutting down to others. I was getting angry every time I heard the word “abortion”.  A person gave me Paul’s number in hope that I’d call him for help. I struggled with calling him for a while. One day a friend asked me to help someone fix a sink. I told him I would help, and he told me it was for CareNet. I went to fix the sink and met Paul. He shared his story with me, and then I felt comfortable to share mine with him. I then began a men’s study to help men heal from abortion. 

For the next few months I relived that day over and over again—this time not alone but with others that had been affected by abortion. I learned a lot from the study, about God’s healing power through His word. I shared everything with my wife and even told my kids that they have a sibling in Heaven waiting to see them. I also wrote a song about God’s love for all called “There’s A Better Way”. It speaks of how God loves and cares about all of us, knows all that we go through, and wants to help. I am grateful to God for giving me a song to share.