In my early twenties, after my husband got another woman pregnant, my abusive and tumultuous marriage ended in divorce. Being from a profoundly Baptist church background where divorce was highly frowned upon and spousal abuse was rarely addressed, I found myself a single parent of two precious baby boys and in a lonely, dark place.
After two or so years of being a single parent, a knight in shining armor rode into my life, which I thought I so needed at that time in my life. After a year or so of dating, I found out I was pregnant. The father of the baby did not want any more children, so I would have been left to provide for this baby alone. I was extremely sick and missing work. I was in fear that I would lose the only means of support I had for my children. Then I thought, "What will people say?" Then my thoughts turned to, "Well…I can have an abortion. That way nobody will ever have to know about my unplanned pregnancy, and I will never have to hear the disappointment and feel the pain of their judgmental looks."
Upon entering the door of the abortion clinic, a sick feeling fell on me—not the sickness from being pregnant but of what was to happen. The lady at the desk gave me a number and asked me to fill out some paperwork. She hardly looked at me and just sounded mechanical in her actions. I was just another number. I remember sitting there looking around the room thinking, “Why are you all here? What is your reason for going through this?” When they called my number, I walked alone towards the door.
The room was plain, just a table, a tray of instruments, and what looked some kind of like a vacuum. I thought to myself, “What am I doing here?” I felt as if I was frozen and could not get away.
Silence filled the room as I walked to my orange recliner, just as all the other ladies that had gone before me were sitting, in waiting to be released. Most of the ladies sat with their heads hung low, while some were almost curled into a fetal position. Not a sound was uttered. There are some things in life that take your breath, some that take your words, some that take your will to live, and some that take your soul. On this occasion all of those feelings collided. What the abortion industry will never tell you is that you will forever be changed after having an abortion. You will leave the clinic empty of life, both the baby’s life and your own. You may lose your ability to feel emotions and care about others and yourself, as well as deeply desire to no longer live your own life. Abortion is not healthcare. It is quite frankly a death sentence for a child, a mother, and possibly those who had a part in the decision.
I lived my life hanging on by a thread. It was not the thread of His garment, because I no longer felt like I deserved to live as a Christian or call God my Heavenly Father. I had lost that privilege with my decision to abort my child. As a matter of fact, I no longer deserved any good in my life at all—so I set out to punish myself. I stayed with that same man for another year and got pregnant two more times. I could not let go of the decision I had made the first time and felt that having a child was something I did not deserve. I chose two more times to have an abortion. I only remember coming out of the clinic in Greensboro, NC after my second abortion. There was a sweet young blonde girl who walked me out to my car. While we were walking to the car, she kept saying, “You will be alright.” I was thinking the entire time, “What in the world is a sweet, sweet pretty girl like you working in a place like this?!” I wanted to tell her to get out of there, because it was such a horrible place. Never once in thinking those thoughts about her did I think it about myself. You see, I deserved everything terrible thing I got, because I had done the ultimate sin, one that God would never forgive. I left that relationship and went on with a promiscuous life of no strings attached relationships. I lost myself in a sea of despair for so many years. I could barely enjoy my boys’ lives because I felt like I did not deserve to be happy but instead deserved to be punished. Finally, God spoke to me and got my attention.
I looked for healing after 15 years of carrying my guilt and shame. I found a post abortive Bible study at a pregnancy support center. The facilitator of that group called me, because she knew how hard it is to commit to coming, even after you sign up for the study. Kim asked me that day if she could just tell me her story. I dropped to my knees and sobbed as I listened to her story of redemption. I am so thankful Kim was brave enough to tell her story, because God used it to forever change my life. I have never regretted reaching out to find my healing in Jesus Christ and through His blood that was shed on Calvary.
This year the first child I lost to abortion would be graduating high school, but those are things I will never get to experience with him or her, because I chose what I thought was easiest, abortion. 1 out of 4 women and men sitting on church pews every week have been or will be affected by the pain of abortion either directly or indirectly at some point in their life. Most of those people will forever suffer in silence and will never to speak of what happened again.
My continual prayer is that God will use my testimony to help in the fight to save babies and mothers, as well as be a beacon of light for those who need forgiveness and hope of being set free. "For if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed." John 8:36. Because I have been set free and because so many others need to be set free from captivity, I will be silent no more!