Between the ages of 20 and 27, I had 3 abortions, in the years between 1974 and 1979, my first one in Portland, the others in Seattle. The man I became involved with while working at PSU was adamant about NOT wanting the baby, and it caused both deep shame and humiliation within even as I went along with his decision. He paid for the abortion. In all 3 of my abortions, I was alone and scared, and as if she could sense my deep shame and embarrassment, Planned Parenthood staff members, as I was being prepped for the abortion procedure, soothingly told me not to feel bad, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and that it was only a "blob of tissue". In total ignorance, I believed her and felt somewhat comforted for that moment; but afterward there was no comfort or peace for my soul, no one to turn to, and a raw, unnatural "hollow" sensation in my womb.
It was the 3rd abortion experience that woke me up so to speak (it wasn't at a Planned Parenthood clinic this time); I wasn't given anything to numb the pain and I could feel "something" deep within me being cut up and scraped out, and the pain was horrific. "Why is there so much pain and HURTING if it's only a 'blob of tissue'? Once again, I found myself alone, weeping, and wondering why did I keep going through this? I had years before turned to alcohol and continued to use it as a way to numb the grief and sorrow that overwhelmed me confronted with anything that brought the past back to me. Anger and sadness were my companions for many, many years. BUT GOD!
I moved back to Oregon after being away for so long, and through a series of life events, I was led through a person I happened to work with at a church that I started attending. To my complete astonishment and amazement one day, at a women's church event, I heard a lady recount her life story and shared with the whole room about having had 2 abortions in her life. WHAT!! I never, never would have guessed it in a thousand years; she was a refined, gentle and graceful lady, full of confidence.
I responded to the information on the "Forgiven and Set Free" class that she led, and it was the BEST thing I've ever done for myself - yes, and the HARDEST thing I ever had to commit to, spiritually speaking. 35 + years of stopped up emotions had left their mark, and I found myself choked up and stuttering when it was my turn to share about my abortion experiences. It was HARD but I had committed to start and finish this class, and now I am SO, SO GLAD that I stuck with it, because I can say that every ounce of pain reliving the past was worth the healing I received at the end of it.
It enabled me to finally come face to face with my shame and sorrow, find forgiveness and healing in acknowledging their brief existence, and ultimately to have the privilege of naming each of my unborn children, and to memorialize them, both at the NW Memorial for the Unborn in Newberg, Oregon, and at the National Memorial for the Unborn. I hope that my story may help other women in whatever unique life circumstance they may find themselves in. God Bless you.