WHAT LED TO THIS
My own life began in London Ontario, with two doting parents. I was given many opportunities to learn and grow. From the outside, my family life looked very traditional and I attended a progressive United church with my Mom. I always loved being around children, and caring for them, but I never put that goal first. I was very focused on an external career. My parents were friends with some famous artists & poets. It was exhilarating, and we were all quite obsessed with creative achievement. Once I realized I liked singing lessons, I put a lot of effort towards learning many genres and seeing what I could write, create, perform and build.
Though seldom spoken of, I knew by my teen years that my mom had had an abortion before I was born. It was a few years before she met my father. She felt that if she had not ended that first pregnancy, they would not have married. It was made clear that I should be GRATEFUL for women’s right to choose to not have their babies. Because otherwise I wouldn’t exist. We did not speak about the option of adopting. I did not see through this deception until it was too late for my own child. My secular education at UofT (studying anthropology) put me at even more risk of moral relativism.
I moved to Halifax in 2007, met a Haligonian and got married. Staunch leftists, we did not see children as a priority. We started several music groups together and co-founded a charity helping youth through the arts, that was based on secular values. I remember seriously discussing with my ex-husband whether it was ecologically sound for us to procreate. It breaks my heart now to think of it. How close we got to a little family. Without the grounding of God’s protection, our marriage disintegrated in a big way in 2015 and soon I was on my own again. This and other factors led to a time of very low self-esteem.
My child in heaven’s father (whose name starts with G) and I had only been dating for about a month. I had been privately wanting a child for some time, and through this new person in my life. Suddenly God granted me that wish. It happened through one night of intimacy. For the first week that I found out, I rejoiced at the news, but then illness and panic descended. Basically, I had a “yes but not yet” type reaction. I didn’t take God’s gift seriously enough.
G looked so scared when I told him. Also, I was suddenly disgusted by his physical presence. I have since learned that this is actually common during pregnancy. But I had no idea back then. It made me scared I would be trapped in an empty union. I was only looking only at my perception of my future enjoyment, rather than submitting to God’s will as a first principal.
Several well-meaning friends offered me a lot of support in my decision to not have my child. As though she didn’t already exist as a reality in my body, as though it was somehow still a “choice”. They told me about all sorts of negative aspects. But when I look back these were all very superficial things to do with looks or lifestyle.
And the outcome of those various phrases and stances was a lot a lot a lot of pain and regret. Here is a journal entry I wrote in the 2nd session of Project Rachel:
“Today as part of an abortion healing group I feel intense and deep remorse. I want my baby back so badly. I want her in my arms. I want to feed her and watch her grow and play. I want to hear her voice and have her ask me questions and me answer them and vice versa. (I want to go in the backyard with her and on outings and vacations.) I want a normal adult life trajectory. I don't want that I tried to be a famous singer. [I hate(d) myself that I did that.] I rarely sing now because I can't sing my little one a lullaby here in person… with God's help I will continue to strive to be saved and find eternal joy in my spiritual connection with my baby.”
You notice that I speak about a little girl. This was another gift from Project Rachel. They asked me to consider the sex of my child. And I prayed about it and felt the truth of her existence. The end of Emma’s life was a plain experience. The rooms I waited in were small and unadorned and I was alone. The phone calls to book the appointment were brief and perfunctory. You will have to wait until the end of March the woman told me. I was dismayed. Another several weeks to wait nauseous, hungry, sleepless and alone. I didn’t reach out to anyone because I felt illness and shame. Maybe a once a week call to my Mom. She felt I should “set the young man free” from this, another strange deception. Oh how I wish I had used that time to re-evaluate. But I was not praying. I was only suffering.
THE ABORTION
The end of Emma’s life was a plain day. An evil so mundane. The rooms I waited in were small and unadorned. I was alone, because in my shame I foolishly turned down my own sister’s offer to come with me. I was in a sort of frozen panic. The phone calls to book the appointment were brief and perfunctory. You will have to wait until the end of March the woman told me. I was dismayed. Another several weeks to wait nauseous, hungry, sleepless and alone. I didn’t reach out to anyone. Too much brain fog. Maybe a once a week call to my Mom. She felt I should “set the young man free” from this. Oh how I wish I had used that time to re-evaluate and seek God’s will. I didn’t know to and I was in pure suffering mode.
Once at the hospital, I filled out some forms, and sat in rooms. At one point, I had an ultrasound. The image was not shown to me. The woman who did the ultrasound was very quiet. She stared hard into space without speaking. And then suddenly she left the room. Which I doubt she was supposed to do. Looking back, I believe she wanted to say something, and I believe she was giving me a chance to see my baby. I leaned forward and looked to my right. There I saw the outline of my little one. The first time I can honestly say that I thought about her having a spine.
After that, I went through some corridors to another room. I thought about what was about to happen, and the image I had just seen. Some of the truth was starting to materialize inside me. But sadly in my case and for my baby it was too late. I lean on God’s greater knowledge here.
Looking back, the fact that I said to a doctor I was “not sure” about the abortion, and then 10 minutes later my baby was in spirit, needs to be defined as a criminal act in Canada. I would like to enact a law requiring a cooling off period after any mention of uncertainty. If it really is a woman’s choice as they say.. and not just the sacrifice we know it is.. then they should at least be very certain of that there woman’s decision.
I will draft that legislation. I also think about a more total abolition, and what it would take the sway the culture. Imagine if all the medical practitioners were Christian and working actively to bring about more LIFE in their patients.
I do take responsibility for entering that clinical room and with great effort.. I forgive that doctor of death who for so many years (before Project Rachel) I hated. I say forgive in the present tense because it is an ongoing choice. The Project Rachel facilitators were very patient with me on this point. They continued to introduce the concepts of forgiveness and grace into spaces where I thought I could never allow such things in my life. The exercises that are carefully designed to reveal Jesus’ loving kindness helped greatly in this process.
So there it is.. a few appointments and phone calls.. a mention of vitamins for the nausea, but a discouragement around it since they were expensive (80 dollars) and if “I was ending the pregnancy anyways what was the point”. As we combat this evil.. I think that free vitamin supplements for all pregnant women would be a wonderful offering. I hope I can donate them to a woman in need myself. Also, access to counselling as a mandatory pre-screening.
One truly great comfort from the program is knowing I am in a real family unit with him and our child. While he was nervous, he told me he wanted our baby. I wish, oh how I wish, I had had more respect for that, and that he hadn’t been conditioned to think it was morally better not to fight for her new life. A big part of Project Rachel was forgiving every family member on his side and on mine who told me that it was my choice and that they didn’t mind either way.
Heather Rose’s Dad and I have not spoken since she went to heaven. I wrote him a letter as part of my program, but do not know whether he read it. In it, I apologized and told him about my conversion to Christ. I heard recently through a mutual friend that he has an anger problem. I am truly hoping we can connect one day and forgive one another. I know our daughter will love that.
Some weeks after Emma Heather Rose had gone to heaven, I went to a sexual health clinic. I don’t think it was me asking for aftercare about my loss, I think I was there to check for STDs. When I was there, noticing my chart history, the story came out to the nurse and she said “if you were so nauseous, why didn’t you just take the vitamins you needed?”
And the simplicity of what very likely could have been a cure for my nausea, and gotten me standing up and eating again, shook me to my core. It started the remorse, which has led to this now full repentance.
WHERE I’M AT NOW
These days, I am working on reading the bible all the way through. I’m at 2nd Chronicles and 1st Timothy. Immersion in Holy Scripture and worship and fellowship with fellow Christians does bring a LOT daily peace. I am so grateful for this new life! I wake up praising God! I read the emails Margo sends and I strive to stay in touch with His holiness.
Having largely replaced self-pity with a grateful praise of God, I am a functional member of society again in so many ways. Able to read story books to the children of my dear close friends, able to teach them singing and ballet, able to play. And I believe that my daughter is happy in Heaven. I am so grateful that Project Rachel facilitated me getting to say hello and just a goodbye for now to her.
So, here I am. Battle scarred. Truly brought low by the reality of a sinful nature. I pray to coordinate with all Godly men and women, to make hatred for the sin of murder so real, and love for God so profound… that we can say “thy will be done” no matter what challenges we face in pregnancy. Because it is our child. Naming and loving my daughter Emma Heather Rose in Project Rachel is where my true connection to Christ has begun to blossom.
In my last session at Project Rachel, I was asked to review what I had been looking for and what I found. I had been looking for relief from constant and life threatening grief and pain. I had been looking for a reversal of fate.
And I did find an inner peace from the Holy spirit. An understanding that Emma Heather Rose is with Jesus now and that that is truly awesome. That I will God willing get to be with her again someday for ETERNITY! I also found a way to own up to my sin and accept God's love and forgiveness more than I thought possible.
And I discovered the joy of calling my little one by name. My relationship with her in spirit is THE TRUTH of God’s love.
How I think past me might have been reached back then:
*by knowing more of the details... I needed to hear that my little one had all her fingers and toes, that her eyelids were formed... I feel that would have changed my mind
*I needed to see an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, talk about her life, name her, think about a joyful future
*I want to ask pregnant women “what do you think you little babies laugh will sound like?” Questions that make it really real.
*A development of my faith by reading the bible, hearing scripture and praise songs
As I start to post my truth on social media, I have received some public denouncing. From people who so very likely themselves have some little ones who got killed in the womb. I pray for my ex-colleagues in the music industry, who are so aghast when I suggest that murder is not a viable choice and when I float out the idea of “restraint in intimacy unless you want a family with that partner”.
I still need more courage to do more acts of commemoration for my little one annually. This year, I wanted to grow a garden of daisies. But I never got to the point of buying the seeds and sowing them. By God’s grace, He provided me with a whole yard full of wild daises in late August. I cried with happiness to see them.
Emma Heather Rose in my heart and in my mind
I am loving you all the time
God is first in both our hearts
I will see you in heaven!
When I think about reaching men and women who don’t yet know the truth, I wonder about the medical language that we use. I think it would help to say “baby killing” like walk up to the office and say “I’m here to kill my baby”. I know many Christians who think this choice is okay. Imagine if they said they are “pro-killing-babies”. We are hiding behind euphemisms. Language is power. I pray to be bold about it.
I also want to find extremely gentle ways of bringing this truth more and more to light in Canada. When truth is so calcified over, it needs a gentle touch to chip away at the lies. I want to bring loving phrases into daily use, things like “around here we are pro-babies” and “let’s all care for children” and “it is okay to have children when you are a young adult” and that “it is going to be the joyful and best part of your life” for Jesus said to “let the little ones come unto Him” for they are blessed and praise is made perfect in their lips. I do imagine what Emma’s voice sounds like.
After many silent years in the post Project Rachel time, I do sing in front of others sometimes. And through writing, speeches and song, I will honor my child and I will be SILENT NO MORE!