I was nineteen years old when I had an abortion. I do not remember all the details because it was so long ago, twenty-eight years and because I believe it caused such severe shock and trauma that I was unable to physically, mentally, or emotionally cope or process the experience at the time.
I do know that I let fear rule the day. I was scared to death to tell anyone and my boyfriend did not want a baby. I did not even really know what abortion was at the time or who Planned Parenthood was, but somehow, I had the information to make an appointment with them.
I had a pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood in Orange County, California. It was positive. I recall that according to Planned Parenthood I was six weeks pregnant and I remember saying two things over and over again, “I’m too young to have a baby. I’m just a kid myself,” and “I have to do something before this is a baby.” Why I did not believe it was a baby, I’m not sure. I was probably told this by Planned Parenthood staff and because I was so afraid and in shock, I believed it and justified it.
We made an appointment for an abortion and I was so afraid that we spent extra money so I would not be awake during the abortion. Because of this, I have no recollection of the abortion experience itself or even what kind of abortion was done. I vaguely remember the recovery room, waking up in a surgical gown, but no recollection of people, doctors, nurses, or other abortion victims. I went home with abdominal cramps and spotting blood, but I don’t remember if I was given any medication or instructions at all.
I went in pregnant and came out not pregnant.
But abortion was not a solution to what I thought was a problem! It was the beginning of a change of who I really was to what I would become, without realizing it until eighteen and a half years later. In the short term, I had more than one occasion of uncontrollable sobbing and my boyfriend and I broke up within three months of the abortion. I believe I tried to shove the abortion to the back of my mind and go on with my life as best I could and I’m sure I thought I did a pretty good job of it.
It was during my second marriage, and after the birth of my third daughter, that I returned to the Catholic Church after being away my entire adult life. For the first time in eighteen and a half years, I confessed my abortion and it was then that my eyes were opened to what I had really done. Before, I did not even equate the abortion to the killing of my child. It did not even register, I’m sure, because I was asleep during the abortion and had no knowledge of the experience to connect it with my child and because I must have been convinced that it was done “before it was a baby.”
My experience of post-abortion trauma was lived for many years without me even knowing that I was! I now see how anger and rage, divorce, depression, inability to cope and make decisions, especially related to my children, emotional numbing, promiscuity, trust issues, isolation and sadness, and a pattern of starting and stopping so many things in my life have all been after affects of my decision to abort my child.
I regret my abortion because I chose to take the life of my own first child out of fear, shame, lack of confidence in myself, and because I did not know that God is a Father who loves me and would have not abandoned me in my pregnancy and time of need.
Abortion is not just a bad choice because it kills an innocent, defenseless baby and robs it of its future. It destroys a mother’s heart and mind when her womb is violated, thereby robbing her of hope for her own future, which is forever linked with the life of her baby. That is, until she finds healing!
The forgiveness of Jesus Christ in the Sacrament of Confession in 2001 was the beginning of my healing journey. It has continued through a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat in 2005 and a Save One Abortion Recovery Bible Study in 2010. And while I know I will be healing from the wounds of abortion until I meet Jesus Christ and my child in Heaven, I thank God that with confidence I can claim victory over abortion and be an instrument in His Hands to bring my sisters and brothers suffering from abortion to healing, hope, and wholeness! And that is why I am Silent No More!
