Growing up in a family of wealth and privileged while living in California’s Gold coast during the 1960’s might sound like heaven to some, but for me it was hell on earth. Neither my parents had no idea how to parent, nor did they take the time to find out. Their idea of being a good parent had to do with materialism and giving their kids whatever they wanted. The problem with this is it only creates spoiled demanding children. I knew something terrible was happening to me, but had no way of stopping it.
I knew at the age of 13 that things would become much worse when my parents decided to separate. I was abandoned first by my mother, then soon afterwards, my dad opened a business out of the country, and my brother and I were left to being raised by one Nanny after another. I was so starved for affection that I turned to drugs and sex to void the pain I felt inside my soul, the pain of being abandoned not by one parent, but by both. For several years before the split, my parent’s marriage was tested and tried by my mother’s manic depression, Alcoholism, and Bi-Polar disorder, some of which was never diagnosed properly due to the mask that Alcoholism created to hide the other disorders. During that time, my Grandmother came to live with us. It was because of her witness to Christ that I was able to endure the years of torment and abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother. When my mother finally left the marriage, I had been without my Gran for a few years, and had relied on a Nanny to help raise me. The nanny finally left as well, and so I found myself alone in the world, with only a credit card and a famous name to back me. I knew that somehow being 16 and able to drive would allow me some freedom away from my angry controlling older brother who terrorized me every opportunity he had. My father had no idea that I slept with my door locked at night because my brother wandered the halls late into the night carrying a knife and talking to himself about how he was going to get rid of me once and for all.
I knew that I had to do something to protect myself. I remember praying and praying for God to rescue me, and sometimes I would feel as if my prayer were heard, but not answered. My fear of my brother caused me to drop out of high school, and with no one to care about me, I thought that God had also abandoned me. I was angry and hurt that God would allow such a thing to happen to me and to my family. I sought out a new God that would help me; the God of self indulgence, and I worshiped the world and all it could give to me in the form of sex, drugs, fame and fortune. I focused on worldly pleasures and traveled to all the best resorts in Europe, the Caribbean and French Polynesia. I became pregnant several times through different relationships. Nothing was too far out, too radical for me to try. As I continued in this lifestyle, I grew more and more dependent on Marijuana, Cocaine and Alcohol to numb the pain I felt deep in my soul regarding each abortion I went through. I was confused about my feelings because I was told by everyone in my social circle, my ob/gyn, my friends and their friends, and even relatives that there was nothing at all wrong with “taking care of it”; abortion was my legal right as an American women, and there was nothing wrong with reserving the legal right to choose whether or not my pregnancies were carried to term or not.
I believed the lies I was told regarding my right to choose, and ignored the signs and symptoms associated with post traumatic stress syndrome associated with abortion. I continued to medicate with drugs and alcohol to deaden my pain. After living for 25 years in this way, more than half my life as a sex addict, a drug addict and a woman suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome caused by multiple abortions, (sometimes two a year), I finally left California flying 3000 across the country to begin my life over on the east coast. I met my husband a few years later, married, and settled into my new life, but the nightmares of the old life were never far from my conscience. I knew that I needed God’s forgiveness for the abortions I had and the lifestyle I had lived, but the shame and guilt I felt, coupled with the fear of what my husband would think of me if he ever found out the truth kept me from seeking the help I needed. I prayed that God would give me the courage to seek the help I needed, but for years I was simply too ashamed of myself to even try.
Being on the east coast provided me the space and distance I felt I needed to begin the years of healing from my former life experiences. I was drawn back to the church, and spent time reading and pondering the life of Christ, what his life means to us all, and why he had to die for our salvation. Over a period of a few years, I found a counselor and began to share my story.
During this time my husband and I were blessed with a pregnancy. I realized that the life I was carrying inside me was a GIFT FROM GOD. Being pregnant past the first trimester made me realize just how tragic a life style I had lived through as a young adult. Carrying our son to full term solidified the truth I soon came to understand; Abortion is murder, and no law written by man can change that cold hard fact. No one has the right to take the life of another, especially one as innocent and helpless as a baby in the womb, regardless of how far along in the development process that baby is!
It took me an additional 15 years of soul searching to finally ask God to forgive me while attending a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. Finally in 2007, after over 35 years of living in a secret pain that almost caused me to take my own life, it was through the guidance and support of Rachel’s Vineyard, a great counselor, and the Catholic Church, that I have been able to finally heal from my past, and forgive myself for the lifestyle I lived that promoted the culture of death.
I was defiantly a product of my environment, and had been lied to by my family, my friends, and many medical professionals who profited from my visits to the hospital for another DNC procedure. I have no doubt that many of my former friends experienced this horror in the same secrecy and shame, and are having to deal with the same issues that having an abortion causes. I hope with all my heart that sharing my story will encourage women everywhere to treasure and protect their pregnancies, because each pregnancy is a GIFT FROM GOD. Each precious life deserves the opportunity to live! Only God has the right to decide if we live or die. Don’t make the same mistake I did by believing the lies about abortion being your legal right. It may be legal, but it definitely isn’t right. Please, love yourself and your baby enough to choose LIFE!
