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I Kept the Secret for Almost Thirty Years

Nilda Sepulveda-Green, Regional Coordinator
Florida, United States

I was only 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I ended up getting married; I had two daughters and one miscarriage. Although my marriage turned into an abusive relationship, I tried to stay in the marriage for awhile. Eventually, I left my husband. When I left, I felt that my world had been shattered. I was angry and I didn’t know where to begin. I was a lost soul in the world.

As time went by, I started dating again. Shortly after that, I got pregnant. I remembered my conversation with my mom. She warned me not to come out pregnant again. Also my husband was still pursuing me, although we were separated. When I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant, he told me to have the baby and that he would help me. I was fearful, thinking about my husband and my mom. I didn’t know what to do and who to turn to for help. I didn’t want any more children and I was afraid of everyone’s reaction.

One day I was crying at work when a doctor came in to the office. He asked why I was crying and I told him. He said that wasn’t a problem, that he would refer me to his friend to have an abortion. He explained that being 4-6 weeks didn’t mean anything it was just a little blood clot. I went along with it.

The day of the abortion, I was confused and afraid, but I thought that was the right thing to do. When I was called into the room, the doctor asked why I was so nervous. I told her I was afraid and she told me not to worry that it would be over soon. After the abortion, I buried the secret. I ended up having another abortion and my life changed drastically. For years I suffered with guilt, shame, and pain for what I had done. I felt like a criminal. I was promiscuous. I tried to find love in the wrong places. I got married three times with no success. I thought God will never forgive me for my sins and I could not forgive myself either. Oh, if only I would have told my mom. I found out the hard way that abortion was not the solution to my problem. I tormented myself for many years. Even suffering seemed good to me because I felt it was a way of purifying my soul. I thought I was being punished for my sins.

I always attended Sunday Mass, but I never had peace. There was a little hope inside of me that some day after many sufferings, perhaps I will find forgiveness. What I failed to realized was that God had forgiven me already. I was too hard on myself; I needed to forgive myself too. I thank God that he kept me away from drugs, alcohol abuse, and suicide. He kept me safe. I married for the fourth time, but this time I sought out God’s guidance. The Lord answered my prayer by giving me a wonderful husband. I have been happily married for 11 years.

Although I attended retreats and joined some ministries in my church, I wasn’t able to find peace and forgiveness. However, I found myself getting closer to God. I started going to mass every day and visiting the Blessed Sacrament frequently. I try to persevere in my faith.

Early this year my friend from church approach me and told me God told her to speak to me about pro-life and about abortion and she didn’t know why. I covered my face and started crying. She invited me to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat and I told her I would call her. I attended the retreat in April. It was there where that I finally found healing through God’s mercy and love.

I am free at last, my secret is out and as a result I have chosen to be Silent No More. In the retreat, I restored my children’s dignity and gave them the respect they deserved. Through my testimony, I pray I can help others find hope, forgiveness, and healing. I also want to make people aware of the consequences and the impact that abortion has on their lives.

For my Spanish-speaking friends:

Yo tenia 19 anos cuando sali embarazada. Me case, tuve 2 hijas y una perdida natural. A pesar de que mi matrimonio se convirtio en una relacion abusiva, trate de mantenerlo. Al separarme, me senti como si mi mundo se rompiera en mil pedazos. El resentimiento y la amargura se apoderaron de mi y no sabia por donde comenzar. Era una alma perdida en el mundo.

El tiempo fue pasando y comenze a enamorarme de nuevo. Al poco tiempo sali embarazada de nuevo. Immediatamente me recorde de la conversacion con mi mama en la cual me habia dicho que no saliera embarazada sin estar casada. Tambien los problemas entre mi esposo y yo no se habian arreglado. Cuando yo le dije a mi novio que yo estaba embarazada, El me dijo que lo tuviera que El me ayudaba. El miedo se apodero de mi pensando en mi mama y mi esposo. No sabia que hacer y a quien contarle lo que me estaba sucediendo. Yo no queria mas hijos y pense en la reaccion de mi mama y mi ex-esposo.

Un dia mientras estaba en el trabajo lloraba sin consuelo y el doctor que yo trabajaba llego y me pregunto que me pasaba, porque lloraba? Le conteste que estaba embarazada y el me pregunto cuantas semanas y le dije 4-6. El me dijo no te preocupes, eso no es nada, ahi lo que hay es una pelotita de sangre solamente. Me dijo que el me resolvia el problema. Que iba a llamar a su amiga y que me hiciera un aborto, yo segui sus intrucciones.

El dia del aborto estaba confundida y tenia mucho miedo; pero pensaba que era la mejor decision. Cuando llego mi turno la doctora me pregunto que porque estaba tan nerviosa. Le dije que tenia miedo y ella me contesto que no me preocupara, que eso se hacia en un momento. Des pues del aborto decidi esconder el secreto.

Termine haciendome 2 abortos y mi vida cambio drasticamente. Sufri por muchos anos de ansiedad, el cargo de culpa, la verguenza y el arrepentimiento no me dejaban tranquila. Me sentia como una criminal. Desde ese instante yo cai en el pecado porque habia quitado mis ojos del Senor. Comence a buscar Amor en los sitios equivocados, me case 3 veces y nunca fui feliz. Mi interior estaba muerto pero tenia que sobrevivir. Dios mio, cuantas veces me arrepenti de no decircelo a mi mama. Sabia que esa no fue la decision correcta, pero ya era muy tarde. El sufrimiento para mi era bueno porque pensaba que estaba purificando mi alma.

Sufria todo en silencio, pues pensaba que era mi castigo por los pecados que habia cometido.

No sabia si Dios me iba a perdonar algun dia.

Yo le servia al Senor, pero no lograba tener paz. Lo que yo no pude ver era que Dios estaba siempre conmigo, fui yo la que lo abandone . Nosotros tenemos que aprender a perdonarnos a nosotros mismos. Dios que es todo misericordia, dice que no importa que pecado allas cometido, si te arrepientes, seras perdonada. Le doy gracias a Dios que me protegio de abuso de drogas, alcohol y atento de suicido.

Hoy a pesar de todas mis dificultades, me he vuelto a casar. Esta vez fue diferente porque puse a Dios primero y El me respondio dandome un esposo maravilloso. Tenemos 11 anos juntos y soy feliz.

Mi paz llego cuando hice el Retiro “El Vinero de Raquel” para mujeres/hombres que sufren por abortos. Mi amiga me llamo y me dijo que El Senor le habia dicho que me invitara para el retiro. En ese retiro pude darle a mis hijos la Dignidad y el Respeto que ellos merecen. Hoy en mi Corazon hay alegria por haber encontrado el Amor y la Misericordia de Dios. Por esta razon he decidido No Guardar Silencio, Mi boca nunca Callara. Le ruego a Dios que mi testimonio les sirva de ejemplo y que al igual que yo, puedan perdonarse a si mismos/as y encontrar la Misericordia y el Amor De Dios.

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