I am not really sure I ever met the doctor.  I just figured he was the doctor, as he was the one doing stuff.  I do not remember being introduced as such. And, honestly, I don't remember being given any information.  I had an appointment; it was dark, cold and quiet.

I had done my pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood and I do remember that the first thing they said was that I could get an abortion; I was never asked if I wanted to keep the child, in fact the word “child” was never said. They knew this was unplanned and automatically suggested an abortion. When I was pregnant again in 1980, I again went to PP. I was married, unplanned and once again they never asked if I wanted to keep a child. They automatically suggested abortion. This time, I left no appointment! I didn't feel threatened in any way, just stupid, shameful and again as I said, it was quiet, dark and cold.

To be honest, I believe my purpose for having an abortion was ruled by pride. How could I, an admitted Christian, be involved in premarital sex? Yes, we were engaged. Yes, it was a few months before our wedding, but how could I admit this, the shame, to my family. Pride is a terrible monster of human kind.  I know that I never prayed about this, my fiancé was familiar with this from his family and friends. The Planned Parenthood place just assumed and my head was way out of whack with my heart. If we had any discussion at all, it was brief. We were young, uniformed and immature and like I said, prideful.

Now onto the clinic, all I can remember was a dark place, silence and cold. I was so ashamed and frightened to even be there; my heart was screaming, but my body was frozen. I did whatever they told me to do; I never asked any questions, I am not even sure they asked me any questions. I do remember being so very afraid, I was scared, shaking and so alone. I only can see horrified images in my mind of myself strapped to a table, cramps like I never ever felt before, cold, shakes and extreme fear and numbness all at once. Never before or after have I ever felt this way.
 
When it was over, I was numb. I might’ve been numb from some medicine, I don’t remember. I do remember the numbness inside and out. I was foggy in the head and completely transparent to the world.  The feeling that everyone could see what had just happened. It is probably at this point that the reality of what I had just done entered my mind. Throughout the entire previous few days this was not in my mind.

This was a real life baby, a child of God, a purposed life that He intended for His Kingdom! I remember as it if it was yesterday the feeling of total transparency, maybe it was a bit of paranoia, or God’s way of speaking to me.

After I was home, it is hard to remember much of anything. I was cold, shaking, cramping, scared, and oh so sad. I had tears that never could stop. I was in and out of sleep. I was all alone literally. This is how I chose to spend my days of being held accountable enough to stay home by myself while my family was in another state! I was afraid, oh so very afraid of what I had done. I really wanted to just go to sleep forever.

I have always been good at hiding under an outward disguise. I was able to block this whole experience out of my mind for awhile. After we were married, I once again found myself pregnant. Once again, I went to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test and once again they assumed I wanted to end the pregnancy, simply because it wasn’t planned. I ran out of there so fast, the tears couldn’t be held in. It is amazing to me how I even got home. These tears were not even related to this current pregnancy and I knew it. Sharing the news with my new husband was tearful; again, it had nothing to do with the future, only the past. Would I be a good parent? How can God trust me with a child? Can I trust myself? Can we be parents?

God has indeed trusted me with parenthood. I have four amazingly blessed children and three grandchildren. One of which is currently on the way, due in March! He has surrounded me with wonderful children throughout my life to share my life with them. 

For years, I have been silent. Now I have been in prayer and communication with God. I have been silent on the outside. I have been hiding behind a mask, not pretending to be sinless, just holding this particular part of my life deep inside a box. I have experienced extreme depression, countless weight trouble, many medical trials and mostly an inability to forgive myself or to let go. God forgave me a long time ago, when I asked Him to and when I repented of this behavior.
 
Life has been like living in a fairy tale world. Doing all I can on the outside to make up for my past. Always searching for a way to make up for something I can’t. In keeping this inside, I have missed out on so many of His blessings for my life. Yet, He has constantly allowed me experiences to share with youth, children and adults.

His forgiveness is real and His blessings are amazing. 

My hope and journey of letting go and punishing myself no more has been 33 years in the making.  Wow, what a lot of wasted time. Praise God, He never ever has given up on me. Quite the contrary, He has been able to use even me, for His purpose. Even as I held myself a prisoner, letting Satan keep me unworthy, Christ overcame and always rose above my own self-worth and condemnation.

He took me by the hand, never let go and carried me on my journey. Last spring at a women’s conference, He opened up my stubborn hopeless self-pride. He pushed through the self-made steel doors of my own self-pride and I was able to let it go. I shared with a Christian Sister and we prayed together the truth. He had set me free a long time ago. Now I have accepted that and have buried this pride thing with Satan. God is going to continue to use me, as I am but a vessel in His plan for life!