I had an abortion because I was scared and I thought I knew that abortion was best for me. I was very selfish looking back on my decision to abort my first child. Six years ago I was 21, just applied for nursing school.  I had been dating my boyfriend, now husband, since ninth grade and we were in a serious relationship and we were in love. He had just moved into an apartment with a close friend. He was enjoying his freedom away from home while in college and I was studying and planning for my future as a nurse.

I found out I was pregnant on the Fourth of July. I was devastated! I knew my boyfriend was the man I wanted to marry but I was terrified that being forced to marry by my parents would doom us to divorce. I knew my parents would be very angry with me and possibly kick me out. I knew I had just applied for nursing school and I knew if I had a baby I would have to go straight to work doing a job I hated instead of spending another two and half years of school before I got my dream job as a nurse. I knew my life would be much harder with a baby.

I was so selfish! I didn’t let myself think of adoption or actually having my baby and keeping it. I knew if I gave my baby up for adoption my parents would have to know about the pregnancy, I was scared of that happening. I knew if I actually gave up my baby, I would be very depressed after giving birth to a baby I carried for nine months. I knew that if I saw my baby after delivering it, I wouldn’t be able to give it away. I knew I was too scared of that love for someone else that I would sacrifice everything. So I decided after only a few hours that the best option was to abort because I was only a few weeks pregnant. I knew it couldn’t possibly be a baby yet. I knew enough to know babies weren’t fully developed until 36 weeks. I knew it was just a small spot in my uterus and nothing more yet.

So I told my boyfriend about the pregnancy and I told him I didn’t want the baby. He agreed it was for the best to end the pregnancy because of all the reasons above. He made me make a doctor’s appointment because he didn’t really believe the pregnancy test. We went and I took another pregnancy test and I was told I was in fact pregnant. They did transvaginal ultrasound and gave me pictures of my five week old baby. I didn’t want to look at them, neither did he because we knew we had decided to abort.

My boyfriend looked up abortion facilities and went to one. The first day they did an ultrasound and made me sign papers and told me they would use a suction to remove the pregnancy.  We came back the next day for the abortion. There was one prolifer outside in the parking lot who called me a murderer and threw a very small plastic baby at me. I was angered at this woman. I knew I grew up in a prolife strict Roman Catholic family. I knew it was a 'sin' to abort but I knew this was what I needed to do and God would understand.

I had to sit in a room with about 12 other women who were there to abort. Some said they have had multiple abortions. I looked at all these women as we sat there in our hospital gowns with bare feet on the cold floor and I hated all these woman. I tried to understand multiple abortions. I didn’t understand. One was ok because it was an accidental pregnancy but multiple abortions was just selfish and mean. Didn’t they learn how to prevent pregnancy after their first abortion?

I also sat there in the cold room in the stiff chair knowing I was about to kill my baby but I felt like we had agreed this was best. I felt like if I chickened out now my boyfriend would be mad with me. So after what seemed like forever they finally called my name. I was shaking I had a valium in my system that they gave all of us when we arrived and I was feeling weird. They put me on a table and they told me I would hear the suction and feel some cramping. During my abortion I experienced feeling terrified and didn’t want to go through with it. I didn’t want to kill my baby, but it was too late.

I heard the suction, I was in pain I was clinching. The doctor told me to relax or he wouldn’t be able to get all of the pregnancy and I would get an infection. But I couldn’t relax. I was in so much pain and I could tell my baby was being ripped out of me. The other women assisting kept yelling at me to relax and they started pressing on my belly and pulling my legs apart to try to get me to relax. Then it was over.

I was told to get up and sit in the wheelchair. My legs felt messy. I had bad cramps. I was bleeding. I was wheeled into another room and was told to lay down on a bed. There were several other women laying down on beds in this room too. A female worker checked my bleeding, wiped me up, put a pad between my legs, and set a timer. I don’t know how long I laid there.

Immediatly after my abortion I felt mentally num. I couldn’t believe I did this. I stared at all the other women lying in beds next to me. They seemed fine, they didn’t look upset. Why was I upset? This was my decision. I was not forced to do this. This was for the best. I remember a worker shoving birth control in my hands and a prescription to make me stop bleeding as I was walking out the door.

I went to get my boyfriend out the waiting room. He looked at me confused. He asked if I was done and I remember him saying, 'oh I didn’t realize it would be so quick.' so quick? Now I was confused. That whole time was about an hour and half. In and out.  How could that be? It felt like forever to me.

I slept the valium off in the car ride home. I don’t remember when I got home later that night. The next morning when my mom came in my room, she asked if she could make me fried eggs. I had slept so peacefully that night and I let myself smile and told myself no one would ever have to know.  My pregnancy was over and it was for the best. It was what I had wanted. It was best for me.

A few days later at my part time job, someone was vacuuming. I froze, my heart pounded, my body felt weak, I started to shake, I instantly was brought back to the same sound I heard during my abortion. I didn’t like the way I felt. I tried to bury those feelings because after all it was what I wanted and it was for the best. But not a day has gone by that I haven’t hated myself for killing my baby.  I willingly allowed someone to rip my baby apart. I have to live with that. I have hated myself and lived with depression and binge eating and the shame and guilt. My husband and father of our aborted child battled secretly with porn addiction and alcoholism until a few months ago.  We have helped each other and found God again and have been able to forgive ourselves and ask for Gods forgiveness and each other’s forgiveness. We still have so much healing to do, but we know that God forgave us because He gave us a second chance, a beautiful, perfectly healthy baby boy who just made a year old. He is the best gift to us.

I can’t believe I was so selfish and thought I knew so much. If I would have known just how agonizing it is to mourn a baby, your baby you willingly killed, to live with that much guilt, I would have never had an abortion. My husband and I have both suffered so much from our decision, our choice. No one should have to go through what we went through. That is why I’m sharing my story. Maybe someone will read this and realize that abortion is a sin, it is murder and you will hate yourself if you do kill your own baby.