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From Destruction and Death to Life
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Cali
Texas,
United States
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First off, let me start by saying that this is an incredibly hard for me to do, but I feel like it's time to share my story. I haven't even really shared it with my family. Only a few people know, and I'm not sure that anyone really knows all of it, except for my husband. My hope is that this story helps someone, that it brings glory to God, and that it provides a little insight into who I am, how I got to where I am today, and why I believe so strongly in faith and love.
I'll begin my story with a little background on me. I grew up divided between two families, both of which I now love so incredibly much. My dad married my most amazing stepmother, and my mom married my caring and generous stepdad. These households were very, very different to me and I struggled to find the balance between the two. I lived with my mom, stepdad, and sister primarily, and at times our house felt tense. Our relationships have since been mended, and we are growing closer every day. My dad and stepmother were always very laid back when I came to visit and tried to help me with any issues I was having at home or in school. I loved the long drives with my dad, where he would pull out his Bible and lead me to Scriptures that would help me. At home my mom would drop me off at church if I requested, but I only remember a few times when we all went together. When I was five years old, I prayed with my dad to accept Jesus into my heart. I thought I understood what it meant then, and I suppose I did, as much as a five year old can. It wasn't until I was 21 that I truly grasped what it meant, what it felt and looked like. When I hit my teens, I started looking for love and attention from guys at school. I so badly wanted to have a boyfriend. I was jealous of the "couples" that went to church together, held hands, and had cute little relationships. I had no idea what a godly relationship should look like. So, I was a flirt and turned to boyfriends for attention. Thus, this led to my own destruction.
My Destruction
When I was 18 and had graduated from high school, I moved out on my own. I lived a pretty worldly life. I went to a hookah bar called Kasbah and smoked hookah almost every day. I drank a lot and smoked pot on occasion. I got lots of attention from the group of guys I hung out with, but I still felt empty and incomplete. At 19, I got into a relationship with a guy I honestly thought I was going to marry. Around a year of us being together, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and unsure of what to do. I knew I wasn't ready to have a baby, but I thought maybe I was meant to have one since I got pregnant. I struggled with the decision of whether or not to keep the baby. I found out that you can take a pill and essentially have a really bad period, which would cause an abortion. After talking to my boyfriend about this option, we agreed to proceed. I was 4 weeks pregnant.
I remember seeing the ultrasound image. It looked like a little grain of rice. I hated every single moment I sat in that clinic's waiting room. You see, before I was in this situation, I was always very judgmental of people that had had abortions. Looking around at the other women and men in the room, I just couldn't bring myself to believe I was in the same boat as them. My situation was different. I was better than these people. I was making this decision because it was smart. I was not as bad as these people. Yet I was in that same room. I left the clinic with a bag in hand, filled with the pills I would have to take. I went home, and I sat with my roommate. I tried to justify my actions. I called my boyfriend and asked him to come over the next day to be with me after I took the pills. He said he couldn't because he had to take an exam. So the next day, I stayed at home and took three magic pills that got rid of our "problem". I was so very broken....The entire day I was incredibly drugged up on pain killers. I was in and out of consciousness, and when I was awake, I was throwing up. I guess my body was still trying to hold onto the baby, because the abortion did not actually occur until a few days later.
It was the most devastating thing I've ever seen. I couldn't stand myself. I hated every fiber of my being for taking an innocent life. To be completely honest, I still struggle with it today. I cried every night for the next month. I began having anxiety attacks, at home, at work, in the car, or at the grocery store. They just happened, and I couldn't stop them. I was rude, bitter, sharp, and distasteful with others. I said hurtful things to other people. I watched three of my coworkers (they all got pregnant at the same time) carry their babies for 9 months after I had just given up mine. I fell into a deep and dark depression. My relationship started to fall apart. As a last attempt to try and make it work, I moved in with him. After two months of living together, I broke up with him, moved out, and I went back into an apartment by myself.
I shut down completely. I deleted my Facebook account, stopped answering my cell phone, and I kept as limited contact as I could with anyone. I started drinking pretty heavily, to the point where I would pass out in my apartment. I started smoking pot again, thinking it would calm my nerves. It didn't. I would crawl out of bed in the mornings, got to work, come home, curl up on my living room floor, in my empty apartment, and cry myself to sleep. It was a hard time. In my mind, I had destroyed every good fiber in my being and there wasn't anything I could do to get back to normal.
My Death
I don't remember when it happened, but one day I just decided I needed to start going to church again. I knew I needed God. I was empty, alone, isolated, and desperate for Him. I have tears forming right now just remembering the pain I felt then. I went to a couple of different churches, but no one talked to me, and I stayed hidden in the back. None of them felt like home. One Sunday evening, I looked on my bookshelf and saw a book my grandma had given to me when I was 10 years old. I had never looked at it or read it. It was "God's Promises for Your Every Need." My grandma has no idea how that book changed my life. I grabbed it and climbed into bed. I opened up to the chapter on love, for that is was I longed for more than anything else. That night, I read verse after verse on how much God loved me and I shattered. His love washed over me like a flood. His arms embraced and held me. He began to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and to put back together. I lifted my hands and begged for God to help me. I cried out to Him. I asked for His forgiveness and thanked Him for His love. I started to feel loved. I died that night. I died to the sin that was in my life. I died to the worldly life I once lived. I died to myself, to my past, to my pain. It was the most beautiful death.
Born Again
In my prayers that night, I prayed for my husband. I remember telling God that I was not strong enough to be alone anymore. The next day I met Jeremy. I started going to his church, and I instantly felt connected. I had a new family. I sang worships songs and could feel myself truly praising God for all He had done for me. I felt loved. A week after I met Jeremy, I told him about my abortion. He didn't judge me or look down at me as I told him my story through tears. Instead he held me and told me it was okay. I still struggled with sin. Learning self-control, discipline, and kindness take time. You can only walk away from sin one step at a time. God's grace was always there though as I grew stronger in Him.
Two months before we got married, I was baptized in a horse trough. I had such joy on that day. I couldn't stop smiling. God spoke so clearly to me. "You are new, you are clean, you are loved." That day my life was complete. I needed nothing else than those words and this intimate relationship I have with God. I'm continually seeing that God goes above and beyond for us though, just because He loves us so much. I have an amazing husband who I grow to love more and more each day. We have a beautiful baby girl, whose life is more precious to me than words can describe. I have a life that is worth living.
I live my life based on God's love now. I am no better than any other person on this planet. We are all sinners and not one of us is better than the other. I make the decision every day to not judge the people around me. It is not my place. I may not agree what others do with their lives, but I will love them all the same. I will support those around me or any one that needs help. I will be someone who listens, offers a helping hand, and a warm embrace. When someone says something hurtful to me or tries to harm me, I will love them. I remember how I used to act that way when I was in pain. Perhaps they are doing the same thing and just need someone to show them love. I am against abortions. I am Pro-life. I don't like seeing people fighting over what is right and wrong in regards to this. While I regret my decision, God has turned my life around. I believe that if women who got pregnant and were in these situations, knew what His love looked and felt like, abortions would not be an issue.
God has turned my darkness into a shining light. He has taught me how to love. He has taught me how to give and be kind. He has taught me how to forgive. Everything I have in life, in this one and the next, is all thanks to Him. My God is great and powerful and mighty. HE IS MY ROCK. Christ's death on the cross, His merciful blood, rescued me and washed me clean. Whatever your past, your struggles, your pain, your losses- whatever it may be, He can be your rock, too. He's always been there. He always will be. He's waiting for you to call out to Him, to take His hand, and to let Him lead the way. Trust me. His way is the best way!
So, this is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long! I cycled through my emotional and spiritual journey all over again just writing it down for you to read! I feel renewed all over again. Every day is a new day in Christ! Again, my hope is that my story will help someone out there. I don't know who you are or what you are going through, but God is there for you. Please feel free to share my story for I am silent no more!
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