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Facing My Choices
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Jackie
Indiana,
United States
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I found out I was pregnant within a week after breaking up with a man who admitted that he had been seeing someone else and planned to marry her. Needless to say, I didn't say a word to him about being pregnant. The only person I confided in was my ex-husband (not the father) from whom I had been divorced for almost a year. At that time, I believed it was my choice to make that kind of decision. I was very much of the "pro-choice" stance and when my ex offered to pay for the abortion, I agreed (It wasn't a real baby yet in my mind).
I've spent so many years trying to forget that I only vaguely remember the front of the clinic and in the actual procedure room. I do vividly remember being on the surgical table and having second and third thoughts, but it was over before I knew it. I also remember that they told me there would be no pain, and yet I felt pain during the procedure. If you've ever had a biopsy done, that's what it felt like.
Regret and pain flooded my heart and soul the very moment I started having second thoughts, and I've regretted it ever since. Many times the thought has crossed my mind that the baby may have been the only boy I've had.
Immediately after the procedure, I tried to push it down into the deepest recesses of my memory, but I've never been able to push it away. I didn't talk about it to anyone, including my ex. I refused to talk with him about it, because I felt so ashamed and so guilty, not only for the abortion, but that I allowed my ex to have a part in it. He thought he was trying to help me, and all I did was treat him very horribly afterward.
In the last couple of years, God has been working with me to cleanse the guilt and the shame. He has helped me to face what I did and the choices I made. He has also made me realize that I need to be "Silent No More" and that I need to help others who are feeling all the invisible pain and scars that abortion causes, the heaping guilt felt afterward, and to help those facing a decision who have no idea what they are getting themselves into.
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