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Overcoming the Shame
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Denise
California,
United States
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I had an abortion when I was 16 years old, which was 29 years ago.
I had the abortion because I was so young and scared. At the time I didn't think I could tell my parents because I thought they would be disappointed in me. When I found out I was pregnant I went to Planned Parenthood, where they gave me the option of an abortion. I don't even remember getting any other options. Maybe because it was a long time ago and the whole appointment was a blur?
Anyhow, I scheduled the abortion and, in the meantime, was very sick. I had morning, noon, and night sickness and being in high school made this very difficult to hide. No one other than my boyfriend (baby's father) and one of my friends knew at the time, although I think people suspected. My step-mother even took me to Kaiser to have me checked out, because I was sick all the time. They asked me if I'd missed a period (which of course I lied that I hadn't), and they never gave me a pregnancy test! If they had, things might have been different for me, since then my parents would have found out.
The day of the procedure I was scared to death. My boyfriend came with me and was even allowed to be in the room with me during the procedure. I was given two aspirin for the pain, which didn’t take care of any of the pain....it was horrifying. I heard and felt everything. The noise of the suction and the pain of being scraped out is something that I will never forget.
After the abortion, I was transferred to a sort of waiting room for a couple of hours with other girls. I had also been given a shot because of my blood type and the baby's father’s blood type.
I then went to stay with my girlfriend for the weekend because I didn't want to go home following this.
When I did get home, my dad and step mother sat me down and confronted me and asked me if I was, or had been, pregnant?
I confessed and told them about the abortion I had just had. I will never forget the words of my step mother "Well, you did the right thing.” All I could think about was how guilty I felt and that, in my heart, I had not done the "right thing.”
My husband has recently begun a project with a church for a memorial to the unborn child and, through this, it has given me a new hope for forgiveness. I know that having asked GOD so many times for forgiveness that HE has forgiven me, but I am not sure that I have ever truly forgiven myself. I believe that by speaking about this and overcoming the shame of it I can forgive myself and that is why I am silent no more.
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