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Testimonies
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Living Every Day
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Sarah
California,
United States
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I was 22, a senior in college, and in a bad relationship filled with drugs and verbal abuse. I was in a bad place, yet my studies were going well, and I was ready to graduate into the next chapter of life. I was on a mission in life and nothing was going to stop me. I came from a strong Catholic family and having any issues was not to be shown to outsiders. I had an abortion for many reasons. I didn't want to interrupt what I had going with school and my plan for life, I didn't want this child to have anything to with his father, I felt my life would be 18 years of hell and custody battles, I felt my parents would kill me, and I was very embarrassed.
Prior to my abortion, God gave me signs for me to not do this. When shopping for clinics, I accidently called a day care center with children playing in the background. I had many lovely dreams of my baby and life with a child. They were nice dreams. On my way to the abortion, we nearly slid off an off ramp in a snowstorm.
I recall being in the waiting room and seeing mostly young women such as myself with their female friends. I recall seeing one young girl there with her parents. I was disgusted that I saw no men there (besides the one father). I hated men at that moment. I filled out my paperwork. They called me in and I laid on the table. I made sure that I would be under general anesthesia during the procedure. I recall the doctor coming in, and he was so cold. No personality. I was eight weeks pregnant. I would have done it sooner, but I had to wait according to the clinic. I looked at my child as a "thing", like a tumor that I wanted removed. I knew it was a baby though. I think I had my legs in the stirrups when I was put under. I recall waking up in a fetal position on the table crying hysterically. I was naked from the waist down and completely humiliated. A nurse came in and was cold as well saying something like, "Are you okay?" in a very snarky way. She cleaned up a bit and left. Another came in and offered a bit more comfort. I left and my friend (who also had a prior abortion) and I met up with a friend at a diner. I recall she asked me how I was feeling, and I think I recall saying I felt relieved. I pretended like it was nothing and continued eating my meal. I then walked home in a blizzard because I wanted to be alone. I got back to my room to nap, and I get a call and it was my Mom. The only person I told in my family was my brother, who was against it. My mom wondered why I was napping and then proceeded to scold me for napping the middle of the day. I remember saying to her "If you knew what kind of day I had, you would know why I was napping!" We hung up on each other.
After the abortion, I told the father what had happened. He had no idea I was pregnant. I hated him and wanted him to have nothing to do with this decision. He was alarmed when I told him, and he came over to my dorm room. He wasn't in college. I was so angry with him, and I don't recall him condemning me. But we got into a fight, and I told him we are done and to get out. That ended that. I had no trust in men....in fact, I hated them. My drug use stopped for a bit but, when I got out of college, it got worse. I was clubbing all the time and just didn't give a damn about anything. I finally saw where my life was going, and I decided I needed a change of pace, so I moved to CA. I never touched another drug again.
I never really thought about my abortion or had any regrets until maybe four years ago. I was engaged and living a good life. I came back to the church. After getting married, my longing for a child became more. This is when it all began to surface. I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and I found forgiveness in my decision. After the retreat, I wrote a letter to my 22 year old self and that was healing. There are still days I wake up wanting to beat myself up over this, but I do all I can within my power to stop those thoughts. I am still working on forgiveness for myself. I recently told my parents. It took years to do that. Not easy.
And this is why I am silent no more! I would never wish this on my worst enemy. It's a decision that I have to live with every day. I now mourn the month it occurred and his birthday month. Mother's Day is hell for me. I want to share my pain with others, not to burden them, but to show the reality of abortion. I am Pro-Life and Pro-Women! And I am silent no more!
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