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A Prison of Shame
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Angelina
Ontario,
Canada
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I had an abortion to erase a date rape.
I was in a fog until the icy cold instruments entered my body. I felt severe physical pain. I heard the sound of a high-pitched vacuum cleaner. As I saw the bottle next to my right foot fill up with blood, I wondered, “Is there a baby? Is there soul? Who sees what I’m doing?” Then I experienced a sense of death and the reality of a soul. I cried from the depths of my being. There was no turning back. Deep inside I knew that what was happening was wrong. This realization was devastating, I wanted to die.
Immediately after the abortion, I was sedated. I hoped I would never wake up. Eventually I boarded a bus to go home. As I saw myself in the window, I remember thinking, “I hate you. You will never be able to fix this!”
As time went on, I tried to start over. I changed my name, address, job and friends. I lived in a prison of guilt, shame, depression and self-hatred. Turning to alcohol, drugs and sexual affairs to numb the pain, I fell away from friends and family. Suicidal temptations were averted by a helpline counselor. The validation of my feelings that my past actions were wrong, gave me so much relief. I thought the abortion was behind me.
Then I married. Abortion again took front and centre. Pregnancy, babies, doctors, being a mother, vacuum cleaners and dentist drills became abortion connectors and sent me into emotional anguish. I poured myself into my job. I starved myself and smoked profusely. With every drink, I swallowed the painful memories of the abortion. I couldn’t conceive, and thought God was punishing me.
Healing began with an ectopic pregnancy, which took the life of our son. Grieving his loss, I found courage to face the abortion death of my first child, Sarah Elizabeth. I asked forgiveness from her, from God and from others. With the help of Second Chance Ministry, a weekly support group, Entering Canaan and Rachel’s Vineyard, I grieved her loss. Losing Sarah, her brother, Joseph Michael, our genealogy, and our family life has often been agonizing.
Abortion did not undo the date rape. It eliminated my children and robbed me of future children. Now, forty years later, I regret my abortion and will be silent no more.
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