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Disconnected
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Christina
Florida,
United States
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I'm not sure how to begin this. I just hope that sharing my story will help someone who is feeling alone and sad and knows that even though I do not know you, I love you and understand your pain.
I have always wanted children. I found out I was pregnant after taking three drugstore tests while alone at work one morning. I had been feeling odd (smelling food from across the house, eating things I normally don't eat, and my breasts were very large and sore). Even after the tests I still did not believe it. My boyfriend and I had been together for four years and living together for three. We were committed to one another, but we are always very careful. I was previously on birth control but had to stop due to an allergic reaction.
After a trip to my GYN, she confirmed that I was pregnant, and I broke down immediately. I had always thought that my knowledge of my own pregnancy would fill me with joy, anticipation, and excitement. This was so much different. Although my boyfriend and I were in a good place, we were just in a good place for US, not a child. Knowing the cost of a baby and the criticism I would receive from my family (Catholic) for being an unwed mother gave me overwhelming anxiety. I almost immediately called my best friend and boyfriend's mother to discuss this with them and finally went home to confront my boyfriend.
We mutually agreed that we were not ready to provide the life that we felt our child would deserve. My boyfriend had recently gotten back on his feet after he lost his job, and we were still building our savings while living paycheck to paycheck. It was not the environment I wanted to bring my child into, as selfish as that sounds. He accompanied me to the abortion clinic for the procedure, solemn but supportive.
I remember the large packet of papers and forms to fill out. Passing the documents lifelessly to him to sign where they needed additional signatures. Once I was called back to the counseling room, they gave us time to really think about if we wanted to go through with the abortion. On paper, I was okay with it. Not okay... but committed to my decision. When I was ready for the ultrasound, I tried not to look at the screen. It was tempting, and I did try to glance at the monitor but I knew it would only be harder if I saw anything resembling a baby.
The women working at the clinic were very kind and gentle. When I was given the sedative before the procedure, my nurse rubbed my back and helped me relax as she helped me get comfortable with on the exam table. I am still shocked at how I was able to lay on the table for almost 45 minutes and not get up to leave and stop it from happening. At that point my mind and body were both numb, and I felt like I was melting into the table.
My spacious exam room suddenly became cramped and manic as the doctor rolled in his large machinery. Hoses, monitors, IV stands, and nurses crowded around me. I couldn't help but notice the look on the nurses' faces. They all looked so sorry for me, cooing that it would be over shortly. I cried silently as the procedure began. I felt no pain or discomfort. And suddenly it was over. What life was once there was now gone by my command. Painfully, I felt a rush of relief followed by an intense grief that took my breath away. I felt selfish and ashamed.
My boyfriend held my arm and walked me to our car. I was silent for the majority of the day following until I went back to work two days later. I was severely depressed and was very anxious about being around people or, God forbid, the possibility of seeing a woman pregnant or small child. I cried and pleaded for my boyfriend to stay home with me since I couldn't bear the thought of having any fun. I felt like I didn't deserve that after what I had done.
A month later my boyfriend proposed to me, and we were married this past November. I think it was his way of helping me through my grief. I wouldn't have time to brood over my pain if I had a wedding to plan. And, honestly, it mostly worked. I was certainly distracted for at least 14 months, but I did still think about the baby that could have been.
Now that the wedding and honeymoon is over, I find myself thinking about it more and more. I promised myself that the abortion was the right thing. A child would have gotten in the way of the great and extraordinary things I was going to do with my life, the places I would travel and the people I would meet. None of that would be possible as a young-ish mother. And now I find myself thinking more and more of how I can't think of anything greater than having a child with my husband. It seems like the want of motherhood is "out of style" right now. Even my husband has said that if we don't have children he won't love me any less. But I can't go without it. I have a deep desire to raise children with him and share our love. We have been through so much together and are still so in love. In a time where people are seem so disconnected, how can I not want to solidify what I see as truly wonderful with a family?
I don't need God's forgiveness or anyone else's. My husband loves and forgives me and now I have to love and forgive myself... That's why I am silent no more.
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