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Too Much
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Starr
Alabama,
United States
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My name is Starr. I want to tell my story of God's grace and forgiveness, and how He changed my life as an adulteress woman and one who murdered her own children.
I was born in a small town in Alabama. When my mother got pregnant with me, her mother ran her off. My dad did marry her, but it was not a good marriage. After a while, they both had affairs. My mother got pregnant with my sister by my dad's best friend. Not long after, they divorced. I went to live with my dad and my grandmother. My dad wasn't around much, and my grandmother was too old to be taking care of a young girl I eventually married the first boy that came along to get away from home. He also came from a dysfunctional family; his dad was an alcoholic and a wife beater.
A few years later, I became involved with a married man. We had an affair that produced a daughter, whom I passed off as my husband's child. The affair with this man lasted ten years. My first marriage dissolved, and I married this man. During those ten years, I became pregnant four times, and I aborted all of them.
Now that I was married to this man, I became pregnant for the sixth time. I thought he would be happy about it, but he was furious and demanded that I get rid of it. I was too far along to have an abortion in Alabama, so I went to Atlanta.
It was an awful place, and it was filled with so many women waiting to have their children murdered. When I was called back to the room where you were counseled about the procedure, I was told it was going to be saline abortion. My baby would be burned up inside of me as it fought for its life. I would be able to feel it thrashing about as it’s burned alive. But the strangest thing happened next. The counselor told me all of the things they would do to my baby and told me not to do this. She even showed me where they would put the babies after they were aborted. She told me to go back to Alabama and have my baby, and that's what I did. I had my son. I know now that God put an angel in that room to stop me from aborting my child.
My husband did not come to the hospital to see him until three days later. He did not want that child. I had two more children after him, and then my sister got sick. We didn't know why she couldn't fight off cold, and it turned out to be full blown AIDS. She had gotten pregnant at fourteen and then she had another baby at sixteen. She had to have a blood transfusion, and that is how she got the disease. She gave birth to another child after that. She died at 26 years of age.
The pain from her death was unbearable. I could not understand why she was taken instead of me. There was a ten year difference in our ages. She had not even begun her life, and now these children were without a mother. Eventually, I knew something was wrong with me. All the pain, anger, rage, and my broken heart were too much. Trying to numb my pain, I kept having extramarital affairs. I was trying to find something, but I found no satisfaction. I also divorced my husband during this time. I could not take the pain anymore. I planned my suicide. I wrote letters to each one of my children to tell them how sorry I was for doing this and that I loved them, but I couldn't take the pain anymore.
But God had a different plan for my life! One day at the library I picked up a Christian magazine. I ran across this article asking, "Do you need healing from your abortions?" and I took the post-abortion classes. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I was determined to do it. It took me three years to get stable from the lifestyle that I had led. Taking those classes is where I met Jesus. I was able to forgive myself for murdering my children and being an adulteress.
Today I am set free from all of those stains that only Jesus can remove. Now I want to help other women who have had abortions and let them know that they don't have to live with this pain.
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