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Testimonies
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Say Yes to Life
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Mary
Arizona,
United States
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Hi. My name is Mary. I'm 61 years old. I had an abortion 45 years ago when I was 16. I was a junior in high school. I had an abortion because I was terrified of telling my parents I was pregnant. I was convinced that if my parents found out, they would put my boyfriend and his foster parents in jail because I had sex in their home. So I felt compelled to solve the problem on my own and save everyone else.
On a school day, I flew from Michigan to New York, one of the two states where abortion was legal on request. I lied about my identity and my age. But no one even asked me for ID at the Center for Reproductive and Sexual Health. I was so frightened when I walked through the clinic doors. I was quickly herded into a lobby area where a woman pointed to a plastic model of a reproductive system, with a cloudy like substance in the womb. She said, "This is not a baby. This is just a blob of tissue." And I believed it. I was 10-12 weeks pregnant then and didn't know my child was a fully formed human being with a head and a brain, and arms and legs and hands and feet that all moved inside me. In the back of my mind though, something told me it was more than a blob of tissue.
I waited on a bench to be called into the procedure room. I was going to have an abortion by "vacuum aspiration." I didn’t even know what that meant. I lay on my back and squeezed the nurse’s hand so hard I think I could have broken her fingers. I can still feel the pain today, a sickening cramping that felt like my insides were being torn out. And that's exactly what the doctor was doing. When he was finished, I was in tears. I said to the doctor, "I want to look." I wanted to look at the clear plastic drum behind me and see the contents of what was taken out of me. I wanted to see if there was a human baby in there with a head, body, arms, and legs. The doctor was furious and yelled at the nurse, "Get her out of here." And the nurse took me by the hand, covered my eyes so I couldn't see, and walked me down the hall.
I was taken to a huge room with rows and rows of beds. Many of the beds were filled with women, some crying, some reading, some just lying there. That's what I did. I just lay there, not making a sound. I watched the big clock on the wall until it was time to leave. I don't remember much about the flight home, except that it hurt worse than any menstrual cramps I'd ever had.
As time went on after the abortion, I realized the choice to end my baby’s life would become my hugest regret. I should have trusted my parents and told them. When I landed in New York, I should have gotten right back on the plane and headed for home. When I was scared and alone at the clinic, I should have run out. But I didn’t. I dutifully went ahead with the abortion.
The abortion started a domino effect of problems. This is the part no one tells couples about—the aftermath. I was plagued with grief, depression, relentless guilt, anxiety, panic attacks, suicide attempts, more crisis pregnancies, low self-esteem, promiscuity, issues with intimacy, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, nightmares, insomnia, and psychiatric hospitalizations. Yes, I've experienced every one of these, and it all started with my choice to have an abortion. Sounds odd when I think about it. A choice. Would I have chosen abortion knowing this was the future I would face? No. Never.
Forty long years later, I found help. I heard about something called “Rachel’s Vineyard” weekend retreat. During that weekend, I took time to think about my abortion experience and identify the way the loss of my child impacted my life. I discovered a lot of unresolved feelings. But most of all, I received forgiveness—from God and from myself. I learned there’s no sin that is greater than God’s mercy. This weekend began my healing process. The experience has been life changing.
I don’t want anyone to wait 40 years for that kind of healing experience. I pray other couples who are hurting from having an abortion will reach out to their churches and community for help. I also pray that pregnant couples will say, “Yes,” to life and never have to face the trauma of abortion.
That’s why I’m silent no more.
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