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Testimonies
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Being a Mother Again
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Natalie
California,
United States
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When I was twenty-one, I became pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I were living under a bridge and were infested with head lice and scabies. We had also stayed temporarily in a home where crack cocaine was smoked, and my baby was exposed secondhand.
When I went to Planned Parenthood, I believed that my abortion was a "mercy killing." I truly thought that my child was better off dead than alive.
During the abortion, I was sedated with Valium, and the clinic played relaxing piano music to calm me down. I can remember the sound of the vacuum suctioning my eight-week-old baby out.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt regret. I knew I had committed murder.
Planned Parenthood did not give me a menstrual pad for the bleeding afterwards, and I soon bled through the only pair of underwear I owned. I remember crouching in the grass and watching the blood fall onto the earth.
As time went on, I gave birth to two babies, Paeoni (my daughter, who is almost 13), and Kamale (my son, who just turned 9). I can say with heartfelt conviction that my abortion affected my relationships with my future children. I believed myself to be incapable of being a mother, and it was easier to"detach" from my children than it would have been if the abortion had never happened. I also became even more addicted to drugs and alcohol than I already was, and I went from one abusive relationship to the next, truly believing that I was unworthy of life.
When my son was six months old, I started reading the Bible again after having walked away from God for the past nine years.
I soon learned about a Bible study, called "Forgiven and Set Free.". My life began to dramatically change as I gave myself over to the will of God.
Upon recognizing the great love my Heavenly Father had for me, and finally able to accept Jesus' forgiveness for the sin of my abortion, I finally left my abusive ex-fiance. The Lord also has helped me become clean and sober-- I have been drug-free for almost four years and sober from alcohol for two years.
The biggest miracle in the past year, since the last time I gave my testimony, is the favor God gave me child custody court. My daughter, who was mostly in her father's care for about ten years, is now with me for most of the week. I've been given an opportunity to rebuild our relationship, and I've made a commitment to never give up on being a mother again, no matter how difficult things get.
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