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Released from the Shame
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Janine
California,
United States
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I've waited way too long to write this. But, the fact is, it's time to tell my story.
It was November 1985, and I found myself pregnant at the age of 21 years. I skipped several periods and got a test at Planned Parenthood. It came back positive, and I was at a loss of what to do. My boyfriend, the father of the baby, was immature and really not committed to me in any real serious way and was financially unstable. He did not want me to have the abortion. I pressed the issue and set my face like flint to have the abortion. That was that.
Every time I thought about going to my mother, I felt sick inside. I felt like I would be judged harshly and criticized for being careless. I'll never know because I never told her.
My boyfriend drove me down to Milwaukee to have the abortion. I went in. The facility was substandard. The nurse who took care of me was very young and had a bad cold with a runny nose. She was wiping her nose with her hand. I watched a video on what was about to happen. They took an ultrasound, but I was determined to have the abortion. They said I was farther along than what I was originally told and would have to charge me more. I agreed because I just wanted to have it over with.
I went into that abortion clinic with a straight face and a cold heart, had the abortion, and left without shedding a tear. The doctor entered the room after I was set up for the abortion. I was partially numb from some drugs and the nurse yelling at me to keep my legs a certain way.
I heard women all around me in the post op area crying and moaning. I had nothing. I felt nothing. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to forget.
Shortly thereafter I slid downhill in all areas of my life. I had friends tell me that they had noticed that I had changed for the worse. I was no longer myself and became extremely closed up, isolated, and depressed. I gained a lot of weight. My boyfriend and I broke up within a year of the abortion. I told no one about the abortion. I was living a silent hell.
I kept it to myself for years. I lived in deep denial for a long time and shared it with no one. I continued in destructive, self-hating behavior, dead end jobs, and broken relationships. I was living out my brokenness, and it was all around me in everything I did. I even married a man I didn't love who would eventually come to physically and mentally abuse me. We divorced after four years of trauma, abuse, and struggle.
Shortly after the separation from my husband, in the fall of '93, I had a born-again experience and received Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Even though I had a spiritual renewal I still desperately needed healing. I remember years went by and I was helping in a women's Bible study. One of the participants worked for CareNet and asked if I wanted to take a survey on post-abortive women. I did, thinking it was for another reason. The results of the survey showed that it was for me. She could see the deep denial and that I needed help.
I joined the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study and then went on to do Rachel's Vineyard. As I went through the Bible study I came face to face with the reality of the sin that I had aborted my child, grieved the loss of my child, and then went on to receive forgiveness from Father God. With deep anguish of soul, I forgave all around me and forgave myself. I realized that God forgives even the worst sins, and He even forgives having an abortion. I would write the baby’s father a letter and ask that he would forgive me. He never responded, but I know he forgives me.
At Rachel's Vineyard we had a memorial service for our children. We all had a chance to go up front and share our hearts in different ways. It was beautiful and profound. I am still walking out wholeness so many years later. God is so good!! He's broken down my cold heart, and I'm receiving His mercy, love, and grace to live a life of freedom and victory over my past.
I married a wonderful Christian man in 1999 and, after 17 years, we remain married to this day.
My friend was praying for me and said she said the Lord showed her a little girl (who was about 9 or 10 years old and who looks like me) leaning over the balcony of Heaven. She saw me worshipping the Lord and said to some others who were there...."Look, that’s my mom down there, isn't she cool?"
Yes, I regret my abortion. I know God forgives me, and I've allowed myself to forgive me. I am released from the years of shame, condemnation, and regret through the power of God's love for me, the power of the blood of the Lamb and the power of the testimony (Rev 12:11).
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