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A Voice to Help Others
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Naomi
California,
United States
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I have had two abortions, one when I was 17 and another when I was 21. Both pregnancies were with the same father, with whom I had a long term relationship with from the age 16 to 23.
The first time we were both super scared and young. I took charge over the details, but most of it is a blur. He definitely made it clear he did not want a child at that point. The memory of the abortion itself is super fuzzy, and it all felt like a dream. I don't remember any counseling; it was all about signing papers and making a payment. I remember waking up vomiting in a dark room. I felt horrible afterwards, physically, for a few days. But, emotionally, something definitely changed forever. I pushed it down and went on with my life.
The next time I was pregnant, I was super excited. This time I felt we could keep the baby, as we were both older and working. This abortion was more coerced than the first one, and the father made it very clear he would never "love me again" if I had this baby. Again the details are sketchy, although I remember having to borrow money from my mom to pay for the procedure. I also remember waking up screaming in the recovery room. The nurses had to get my boyfriend to calm me down. Again I "recovered" by pushing down any thoughts of what I had done and going on with my life. The main reason that relationship ended was the buried resentment over that particular abortion.
I carried on without entertaining thoughts specifically centered on the abortions, but I experienced periods of depression and suicidal thoughts for years and years. It wasn't until I recently attended an abortion retreat, 20 plus years after the abortions, that I was released from those periods of suicidality. I was born again when I was 25, and the forgiveness I found through Jesus is the only reason I am alive today. However, it has taken years and many times telling my story for God to reach the darkest and deepest hurts related to my abortions.
I have been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man, and I have three children that I cherish. I am now grieving all over again, as I realized that I have robbed them of half-siblings and my mother of grandchildren. Before, I had only focused on what I had DONE, not the lives lost and what those lives could have meant to others. Again, through God's grace, I know I am forgiven and that keeps me moving forward in my healing.
What surprises me when I look back on the whole process is that no one, not even myself, took the time to think about the lives that were to be lost. It was so easy, a procedure, a clump of cells. I wish someone had snapped me out of my selfish stupor or that I had been counseled on any kind of alternative. I believe that would have made me think more clearly about what I was doing. I want to be one of those people now, a voice to help others in similar situations. It is too late to save my babies, but I believe God can use me to save others. And that is why I am SILENT NO MORE!
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