I had an abortion because I was shocked, scared, embarrassed, felt some pressure from my fiancé, and was just not thinking. 

During the abortion procedure I experienced sadness, tears, fear, and humiliation.  Everything was cold, uncomfortable, and very stern.  There was minimal, if any, communication with the staff.  They were impersonal, cold, and short with instructions. There was some physical pain, tons of emotional pain, and immediate regret.  The doctor and staff were like blank faced minions from a nightmare. 

Immediately after the abortion I was depressed, clammy, and scared. My fiancé picked me up, took me home to my empty home, made sure I was okay, and then let me to sleep it off. I don't have any real idea about how he was feeling.  I cried for days. 

As time went on after the abortion, our marriage was postponed, I was unsure who I really was or wanted to be.  I believe my depression took off as denial of the whole experience.  I tried desperately for years to live as if nothing had ever happened.

I have had a lie of a life.  Promiscuity through failed marriage, nightmares, suicide plans, relationship problems for the past 39 years. 

I know that God has forgiven me, I have asked and He has.  He has blessed me with a husband of 33 years, 4 healthy children, 4 healthy grandchildren.  I need to quit living the lie and reach out to help others.  I am going to Rachel's Vineyard retreat in a week, and seeking the help I need to allow myself to live on and forgive myself.