My abortion was heavily influenced by my baby’s father and aunt. More on his part, his reasoning was not being able to afford supporting us both, especially with the cost of living in California. I fought him as much as I could.  I thought I was strong willed and would never take part in such a horrid act, but I felt weak under the pressures of the world. I tried avoiding him for a period of time, and he flew me out to where we were going to live in California.  Again, I avoided the entire fact that I was pregnant with his baby.

He was very upset that I wasn’t responsive to him and how he felt about it.  I felt the same way with him not taking my feelings into consideration. I know I agreed to his terms, but it never felt right because it wasn’t right. You can say it was at will, but when someone else’s will is demanding it and it’s coming from someone you love, it makes everything so much more complicated. I love them both, and I am struggling with this because I love my baby just as much as I love him, if not more.  And yet I chose him over an innocent life who would love me in return, no matter what, and I would always be a part of me forever. Now all I think about is the “what if’s,” which always gets the best of me and makes me cry and cry and cry.

The actual day of the “procedure” I was so sad and went in sobbing. At one point the nurse basically told me to go cry in another room, because she had other patients who were ready and wanted things to keep moving, which was completely ridiculous. This was my first pregnancy, my first time having any type of procedure done.  I never had been in the hospital for any reason. It was so overwhelming that at some points I was hysterical, before calming down and laughing because I felt that this was just an awful prank. I didn’t want it to be my reality.

After the abortion took place I woke up sitting in a recovery room with other women who just went through the same thing, but they were all ok and happy about it. I felt sorry for them because it was so normal, and I felt instant regret and began to sob again. Saddened by everyone being in there and they had no reaction to losing their child completely shocked me on top of how upset I was after doing the same thing. I was in and out like nothing traumatic had happened. I’m still in shock and hurt and broken inside.