I have had three unplanned pregnancies. I aborted my first baby at 8 weeks and the second at about 20 weeks. Both experiences were extremely traumatic. The first I felt as if I had been lied to, that it was a simple procedure - like a tooth extraction. I cried for a solid hour in a room with other women (not girls) who had just had abortions. I was without my mother and was so very scared. I knew it was wrong, but everything around me said this was normal and good. I went on having sex with the baby's father and felt like I just needed to forget it.

The second abortion, I avoided telling anyone I was pregnant for a long time - fearing many things and recalling the trauma of the abortion I had. At long last, I gave in to pressure from the baby's father and his mother to abort. His mother tried to make me take an overdose of ibuprofen and alcohol to induce abortion, but it just made me sick. My parents were furious, and I was afraid my father was going to kick me out. I'm sure I had a partial-birth abortion, though I have no medical records of this. It was done in a hospital on the labor and delivery floor. I only remember the doctor in the room. And the pain. My mother told me later that I screamed so loudly that I disturbed the other mothers there giving birth. Both of these pregnancies were from the same father. He was an extremely manipulative person, who I felt enslaved to. My relationship with my parents was very bad at this time.

My third unplanned pregnancy came at a time of rebound from this relationship. By then, I was probably addicted to unhealthy relationships. However, I knew upon realizing I was pregnant, I would not abort. I remember my mother asking me why I wouldn't consider it again, and I said, because having the baby was the right thing to do. I don't know why I thought this - I didn't have any outside influence that I can recall, although my family had recently begun attending church. The baby's father was 21 and not someone I saw as anything other than a good time. He was also not my steady boyfriend, whom I loved.

When my boyfriend came home from visiting his father that summer, he found out I was pregnant, and I tried to play it off as his, but he knew it wasn't. Still, he asked me to marry him. We wed when he was 18 and I was 17 in my parent's new church. And on our honeymoon I miscarried at 20 weeks. It was one of the saddest times of my life. And I felt alone. I believe my husband was relieved I was no longer carrying another man's baby. I didn't believe I had any right to grieve the loss of this baby, let alone the two I aborted. For 30 years I carried the guilt of abortion, and was convinced God wanted to punish me.

Then, after about 20 years my husband and I both were saved, and I knew that Jesus had paid the penalty of my sin of abortions. It wasn't until 15 years after this that I experienced forgiveness when a post-abortive woman at my church gave her testimony of having been Christian for many years and not experiencing God's forgiveness until she went through the Forgiven and Set Free Bible Study. I was convinced to attend. And that is when I finally laid it all bare to God. I was able to also confess and ask forgiveness from my husband and my parents, which they all granted, and have also experienced God's healing power. I am finally free, and know I cannot be silent any longer.