I had an abortion because my boyfriend pressured me to have one. He did not want our baby. Our relationship was abusive. During the abortion procedure I was under general anesthesia so I don't remember. In general, the clinic was fine. Immediately after the abortion I remember feeling very sad. As time went on I stuffed the feelings way down.
I didn't start to think about it until I became a Christian. Then I married a wonderful man and experienced a miscarriage. I started seeking help for the abortion. I found ultimate healing and closure through a Rachel's Vineyard retreat.
Here is the letter I wrote to my baby at the retreat:
To my dear, sweet, innocent baby – Raven Lark,
My earliest memory of you is discovering that you were developing in my womb. Immediately, my mother’s heart began to worry over side effects that medications may have had on your precious still-forming body. My next memory is hearing your heartbeat and feeling excited about your existence.
Many of the things I am about to write you may already know, because you are in heaven with our Creator.
As your mother it was my privilege and duty to tenderly nurture your life in my womb. My womb was intended to be the safest place on earth for you. You were violated in a sacred place, and I failed to protect you. It was my fault for providing access to my womb. I am so sorry. In addition, I believed many lies about the sacredness of life and the dignity of you as my unborn child. I did not know that every human, born and unborn, possesses the likeness of God. From the very moment of conception you were a gift of life to be cherished.
I know the Truth now. I’m truly sorry for failing you.
I have struggled with fear of and unforgiveness towards your father. I wished he had chosen life for you. I now forgive him. I pray and will continue to pray for him to be reconciled to God and to you. It brings me great joy to know that you are with your heavenly Father, Abba, and that He loves you perfectly.
I believe that God’s Spirit led me to choose your earth name. Raven is mentioned in the Bible very early (Genesis 8:6-7). In some traditions, a raven is interpreted to mean “change” or “transformation.” A lark is a small bird that only sings during flight. I love the name that has been chosen for you.
You have a big sister, Shianne. You would have been about 4 years younger than her. She always longed for a sister. Shianne would have showered you with love and adoration. I’m sorry for denying the opportunity of this special relationship to both of you. I trust that one day she will meet you in heaven.
Your life has significant meaning and purpose. The Lord is using your story for good in His Kingdom. Because of my experience, the Lord is using my testimony of abortion in the prolife movement.
It is my intention to honor your life by raising awareness of the truth of abortion, by walking alongside others that have had an abortion, and by being a voice for the voiceless. I commit to openly sharing your story – our story – so that those considering abortion may reconsider and so those that those who have suffered from an abortion can find healing in Jesus Christ. I commit to serving others in your memory with kindness, humility, and compassion.
Raven Lark, your life is a precious gift from God. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and soul. We will always be connected as mother and child. I ask for your forgiveness for what I’ve done. I look forward to meeting you face to face because of the hope I have in the resurrected Christ. I long to hold you in my arms, snuggle you tightly, and shower you with kisses. I long to hear your laughter. Until that day, I have peace knowing that you exist with Jesus right now in paradise.
Here on earth, in the absence of your biological father, you’ve been adopted by the most wonderful daddy on earth. And you also have a cute little brother too! We all look forward to seeing you in heaven one day.
Love,
Mommy
I want other people to know the healing available to them and that's why I am silent no more!