My Name is Melody, and I am here today because I believe abortion kills babies and emotionally damages women.
I was 16 when I became pregnant and had my first abortion. Scared and with no counselling, I agreed with my parents that it was the right choice. I didn't even think of the fact that this baby had a beating heart at this point in my pregnancy. I believed that it was just a clump of tissue and wasn’t even formed until three months; I can't believe how naive I was. They didn’t discuss the risks with the procedure or side effects, and neither did my parents. Others convinced me that this was not a baby, and that I should take care of the problem. You see, I think at that time it was so hard to live with the revelation of sexual promiscuity and be exposed to the public of a small town. So we took the easy way out. I remembered feeling so alone and desperate! My life would be changed forever if I had this child, and I really needed counselling! There was no talk in having the baby or putting it up for adoption, although my parents told me later that they had been looking into a house for young mothers. But I only knew and chose one option, ABORTION. I thought it would be the easy way out.
About a month after my first abortion, I was so depressed, and I didn’t really care what happened to my body. The pain ran so deep. I had many different sexual relationships due to the need to be loved in some way, because my self-esteem was so low. I started to drinking and using drugs to numb the pain inside. I remember trying to sleep a lot, because life was so much better in a dream. I ended up being involved in a steady relationship. I was on a low dose birth control pill and missed it so many times; this led to my second pregnancy. Spiritually, I was empty. Emotionally, I was lost in depression. I told the father, and he said that it was up to me, that it was my decision—which left me overwhelmed and thinking that he really didn’t want a baby or care. So I drank more and did more drugs to forget the problem, not even considering the life I carried inside me, because this was just a clump of tissue, right?
I was three months when I finally told a family member that I was pregnant. We went to the doctor, and I told him I wanted another abortion. He didn’t show me any pictures of what this baby looked like at 12 weeks or didn’t send me to any counsellor. He sent me to a clinic in the states. We walked into the clinic, and I was awake for the whole procedure. I heard the suction tube. I saw them tear my baby piece by piece. It was horrible, but I just wanted to block it out. I asked the nurses what was in the jar and they told me that it was just tissue. They sent me away, and I was left empty again. I remember drinking so much that night. I just wanted to forget the whole experience.
The guilt and shame came again. Finally the emotion remorse came…and, in the same year as my abortion, I intentionally got pregnant. So many women who experience multiple abortions try to cover their actions and justify themselves by having a baby. This is what I did…but most relationships which have experienced abortion don’t last. This was the same for my story. I ended up having my baby and getting married, but we divorced six months later. I was trapped in the cycle of post-abortion syndrome. I used abortion as a form of birth control.
My son was three years old when I had my third abortion, and I had three abortions before I was 24. This was the most painful one of all. I was in extreme pain with the third abortion. I was alone and drove myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was going to jump up on that table again. After the procedure I remember feeling weak with heavy bleeding, but I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I felt such shame and guilt inside. I wasn’t going to face anyone who knew what I did. I had to stay at a friend’s house, because I couldn’t drive myself home an hour away.
I never talked about my experiences to anyone. When I went for a physical, I would lie about my health history, saying only one abortion, or sometimes two, but never three.
Spiritually, I was so empty, so I started searching through different religions and spiritual beliefs. I just wanted to feel whole and to fill that void of shame and grief. Through years of searching, heartaches, and tears, I found a God who would forgive all that I had done and help to restore my character. He would set me free from the shame and heal my pain. When I became a believer He filled the void and gave me a purpose. I wrote a song for my three aborted children so that others could identify with my pain and story. So many regrets, a love letter to them filled with acknowledgement of their existence, and my actions of a choice not given to them.
Years later, I saw a speaker on the Miracle Channel, and she shared her personal testimony. It brought me to tears because I then knew I wasn’t the only one feeling this regret and shame. I wept so hard that day, and I asked God to forgive me and to make a way so that I could make a difference. So I sent that speaker an email of my testimony, because I knew that I wanted to get involved and be a voice for my children. I believe healing comes in waves sometimes, to give us strength, as needed, at the time. Something inside me happened that day. God gave me strength and courage to speak out about my experiences, to inform women of the truth, to help them heal and be restored, and to expose the lies about abortion. I know that I have a purpose in this life and that God had a purpose for my children. But they were killed before they had a chance.
There are no accidents—no unplanned pregnancies with God. There is a purpose and a plan for everyone. Who knows—maybe one of my aborted children could have been a doctor for life or found the cure for cancer or maybe a missionary and helped feed the poor. God says that He can count the hairs on our head. We all have a unique DNA, a chemical instruction sheet that determines your looks, your talents, interests, intelligence, tastes and character, because He created us that way. You have this blueprint as soon as you are conceived. He gave us a fingerprint at conception. I find this so amazing!
I still find myself mourning my unborn children at times. I know the truth now. It still pains me to know that my children could feel and reach out while they were torn apart by a machine. All the vital organs were there with the baby I aborted at 12 weeks. They were all destroyed due to my ignorance, lack of knowledge, and need for a violent form of birth control, so easily offered.
There is one thing that I could say to women who are choosing to abort—it is, DON’T do it! Get to know all the facts, get counselling. Talk to women who have been through this experience. This is a life inside of you; this baby has a personal DNA as soon as it’s conceived. This baby has been thought of by God before it was even conceived! I know how much fear and confusion and panic you feel. I also know now that this is a Blessing to you, love and the joy of motherhood is a gift from God himself! Don’t throw away this gift. There are many other options—please CONTACT someone who can help!
Today, 27 years later, I have three wonderful children, Derek, Dezsarae, and Naiomi. I have struggled sometimes looking at them and thinking they could have had three siblings, but they were destroyed.
I also have three children in heaven. Daniel, Cherice and Tamara…and this is why today I am silent NO MORE.
God bless you all.
Open your mouth for the speechless, In the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And plead the cause of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)