The year was 1973, I was 23 years old and 24 weeks pregnant when I walked into a cold, sterile clinic and had a saline abortion. Thirty-six hours later I walked out of the abortion clinic not knowing I not only had the death of my child, but my own emotional death embedded in my heart, soul and mind. Within 24 hours of leaving the abortion clinic I began passing blood clots the size of baseballs. When I called the abortion clinic, they told me that they only PERFORMED the abortion and accepted no responsibility for what occurred after the abortion.  After bleeding and passing clots for hours I was taken to the ER where I laid in a hallway on a gurney for 4 hours.  Doctors and nurses passed by me without even so much as nod in my direction. I finally was able to get the attention of a nurse and asked her why it was taking so long to see me. She told me, “No doctors wanted to treat me because of my abortion at the abortion clinic. If something happened during treatment, they would be held liable.” I drifted off to sleep and woke when I heard a man’s voice. He told me he was a doctor, he was going to help me, and I would be fine. He explained he needed to do a D & C to make sure the abortion was complete and to stop the bleeding. After the D & C I was sent home with heavy antibiotics and pain pills. I slept for 24 hours, got and went to work like nothing happened. After my abortion experience my life spiraled out of control. I did not realize it at the time, but I was grieving my aborted child through alcohol, drugs and promiscuity.  

I got to a point in life I began to change. I stopped using drugs and alcohol. Deep within me I was still in turmoil, but slowly I was beginning to be honest with myself and admit I wanted my life to be different. During this time, I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful daughter.  Three months after she was born, I was pregnant again. I felt I could not bring another child into the already chaotic life I had with the father of my daughter, the man I was pregnant with again. Out of desperation of not being able to handle life with another child, I had an abortion at 7 weeks. 

I focused on raising my daughter and never thought about the abortions, I felt I did what I needed to do and moved on, not dwelling on the past. I believe God led me to a church where I began my healing journey. It was through counseling with a dear pastor and his wife, bible studies, hands on healing prayer and God’s unconditional love I was able slowly change my life and heal. I took classes to help me be a better mom. I wanted to give my daughter a better chance at life. 

Many years later, I was working at a crisis pregnancy center, where I learned that the heart of a baby begins to beat 21 days after conception. It was not until I spoke the words aloud that I realized the truth about MY abortions. That I had been hiding in the shame of admitting it and how it truly affected me.  I realized I had sacrificed my child’s life for the right to continue my own. I participated in a Rachael’s Vineyard Retreat where I found the forgiveness I had been seeking.